Someone has found my blog by googling the term "flesh toned socks".
That is all.
May 31, 2007
WHAT THEY REALLY READ #1
With all the mindless chittering about modern day celebrities, it is surprising that one front of their personal lives remains so underexplored. Sure, I can tell you where
This is a subject for delving. Don't get worried, I'm not about to get all pop-culture on you. Keeping real, etc.
But before I get onto this salacious rumour-mongering, what on earth is that 20 to 1 program. Does anyone look back on any kind of significant event and think “Yes, interesting… but what was Grant Hackett doing when it happened? What on earth will he have to say about it? Guess we’ll just have to wait”. What rot. Anyway, onwards Christian soldiers.
Here it is, previously unrevealed and still unsubstantiated. A list. I worked hard on this, so how about a frickin comment every now and then, eh? Throw me a bone.
NAME: Anna Coren
IS: Earnest candy-box hosting Today Tonight.
CLAIMS TO READ: Agatha Christie mysteries and biographies of strong, famous women.
ACTUALLY READS:
NAME: Bert Newton
IS: Host of everything. “More man than machine now” according to a letter from Someone to Someone.
CLAIMS TO READ: Entertainment biographies of his peers, scoured for references to himself.
ACTUALLY READS: Entertainment biographies of his peers, scoured for references to himself.
NAME: John Howard.
IS: The Fucking Prime Minister.
CLAIMS TO READ: Right wing historian Andrew Roberts’ various glorifications of Whitey through the ages.
ACTUALLY READS: Brethren set texts, correspondence course. Hillsong choir sheet, some Mills & Boon. Anything Janette says recommends.
NAME: Andrew Bolt
IS: Provocative pie-chaser from the Herald Sun.
CLAIMS TO READ: Anything and everything! (laughs) I’m a voracious reader.
ACTUALLY READS: Teen fiction, pie packets.
NAME: David Koch
Koch (on right)
IS: Low-grade bag of potatoes with the voice of clogged drain. Hosts sunrise with Mel (see above)
CLAIMS TO READ: “A lot of Australian MILITARY HISTORY” (his emphasis) [Mel “hmmm, really”] “Yes, I’m really interested in the ANZAC SPIRIT” (Ibid).
ACTUALLY READS: Draft of autobiography, choose-your-own-adventure.
NAME: Naomi Robson
IS WAS: Anna Coren Before. Master provocateur of the masses, we are puppets on her string, etc.
CLAIMS TO READ: The Bible, old federal budget papers, Medieval poetry and French drama.
ACTUALLY READS: Anything by Gretel Killeen. Bindi Irwin's name, over and over again.
UPDATE:Quite devastatingly I have just discovered that John Howard's favourite book is Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe. Am a conservative waiting to happen? Is this true, and if it is, does it mean anything?
S'probably some political reason.
May 29, 2007
POETS’ REALITY VS THE BOOK TRADE
MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDINESS – {PICTURE IMAGINED}
Tier 1 customers are Pony Rides for people working in a bookstore. There’s a quiet understanding nod as T1s enter the store. The silence remains unbroken, save perhaps for a ‘goodbye’ or ‘thanks for purchase, purchaser’ type thing. T1s have an uncanny ability to read the signs above bookshelves and therefore figure out where everything is. A model customer. Usually good looking and more often than not very clean.
TIER 2 – BIT OF ASSISTANCE PLEASE
T2s are slightly thicker than your ideal customer, but you can’t hold that against them. Any questions are limited to the location of a particular item, Where is the history section, Can you tell me where to buy a loaf of bread, Do you know a Good Book re: Jesus etc etc. After the questions, there’s silence which is golden for the children. Most of you fall into this category, bless.
TIER 3 – I LACK SUFFICIENT HUMAN CONTACT
T3s are often suffering from living on their own or sad and lonely existences which mean that need to force themselves on retail staff and explain, often unclearly, how the circumstances in their life have led them to be standing in front of you, in the store, and isn’t it amazing? Operating at right angles to reality and will happily read out loud any words which are printed largely enough; eg signs. Chirpy sing-song voices. Rarely buy anything, and probably don't read it if they do.
TIER 4 – I HAVE RECENTLY PUBLISHED A BOOK
This lot are a danger to themselves and everyone out there. Referred to as ‘blankets’ among bookstore employees because of their tendency to settle heavily on a subject and remain there for 8 hours. Will describe the plot of their latest blockbuster in excruciating detail. These monologues often feature a painful segue into the publishing industry and how cruel it is. Final stages of conversation are indicated by offer to buy recently written work in all its Gory. Delicate refusals are very important here as T4s are strung out to say the least and you don’t crush peoples’ dreams if you can help it.
TIER 5 – I AM A POET
This is as close to a nuclear warhead as you will ever find in a bookstore. It takes a particular kind of Bore to actually describe themselves as a poet. Poets have a very clear idea of how bookstores should be run, and no-one is ever doing it right. The ‘CORRECT’ way is:
- More books on poetry.
- A larger poetry section.
- More biographies on poets.
- Did you know I am a Poet?
POETS, HOW TO DEAL WITH, AN STAFF GUIDE
N.B. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EXPRESS ANY DIRECT OPINION ABOUT POETRY/ POETS/ A POET IN PARTICULAR.
This will result in a conversational lobster-trap in which you will be pummeled with words like
SUGGESTIONS:
- Deploy tactical Haiku and suggest Poet remove hisself to draft response in scrappy apartment.
- Ask if Poet can rhyme with reality – confusion is an ally in this battle.
- Discreetly use mobile phone to call shop phone and have lengthy conversation with self. NB IMPORTANT TO NOT BE CAUGHT DOING THIS. Poets are notoriously bad-tempered, and the last thing you want to hear is a perfectly weighted insult in an A,B,A,B format.
May 28, 2007
HOW TO MAKE AN ART BOOK
Following on from the Beatlemania-esque receipt of my last post, I thought I'd continue in the how-to vein. Having spent the last two days picking over the carcass of a fellow bookseller's dreams, it's time for something positive. And here it is.
MODERN ART - AN PERSONIFICATION
MODERN ART - AN PERSONIFICATION
The only beautiful thing about Modern Art is that it doesn’t care about anything. If it was a person, it would be friends with anyone regardless of how many pesos they have stuffed in the sock drawer. He/She would give you a brick of solid gold in exchange for a kind smile, and would happily feast on Roasted Blue Pens in Red Pen Jus. It is not, in short, discriminating.
“WOW THAT’S INTERESTING”
Shut up. It is, because as everyone knows money is a problem, art is fun and if you can turn one into the other then you’re halfway down the yellow brick road.
So. If you look at a modern art book, they have a few things in common.
1 – BIG In keeping with this trend, your art book should also be big.
2 – ART Solely for the purpose of legitimacy, you should have some art in the book.
3 – PRICEY This is good also – more $$ for you hotshot.
Now, the trick is that pretty much ANYTHING is art these days. Marcel Duchamp opened a door, or a lid of a toilet, however you look at it, and thousands of talented/less people have been jumping through the lid of that toilet like so many flushable gazelles.
OK, we’re getting somewhere here. Your best bet in making the art book is applying what I call the “Is It Art?” test. It works like this.
STEP 1: Select a/an Objay D’art/s. Liberally apply Medium to them. Purse lips and observe critically.
STEP 2:
“IS IT ART?” you ask yourself.
“YES IT IS” is always the answer.
And if it looks nice to you, mores the better. If it doesn’t, keep it to yourself, you want to ruin the whole deal, you putz?
So the basic premise is sorted, now you just need to take photos of your “ART” and get them published. You’ll have to do most of this yourself as it’s important to be able to say to your publisher “I did it myself, mostly”.
Once your publisher has agreed to publish your book you sit back and watch the $$ roll in. You should pick up a few eccentricities at this stage, maybe don’t capitalise the first letter of your name, stop rinsing your hair and roll your eyes more. Severe fringes are IN a line.
For further information, google “When Elephants Paint” or anything to do with the Bauhaus movement.
May 27, 2007
HOW TO MAKE A MODERN COOKBOOK – A RECIPE
Cookbooks have come a long way since the days of Margaret Fulton et al. Open one of her earlier books and you get 16 recipes to the page. And if you want a picture, how about you cook the recipe? What do you want from the old dear, blood? Also, in an old cookbook you only ever see ingredients which make sense and remind you of your own fridge. FOR EXAMPLE
YOU SAY: Rocket I SAY: Lettuce
YOU SAY: Shaoxing Wine I SAY: Wine
YOU SAY: Purple Perilla Leaves I SAY: Some purple
YOU SAY: Pork Knuckle I SAY: Pig’s hand.
YOU SAY: Pancetta I SAY: Glory Bread.
Really, what are they on? Surely people are reading modern cookbooks and thinking: “Right, 3 mls of Amaranth with some ground Cumin seeds inserted into the nostril of Essence of Aberystwyth… Hmm…I think I’ll just add some pepper”.
CRUCIAL: All cookbook photography must be partly out of focus. Beans, curds, whey or fish. Trust me.
Anywho, if you want to make some $, there’s no better way than to pump out a new cookbook. You will need the following:
Actually, no. I’m not going to do a recipe because it’s the last thing the internet needs, but let me just say this: If you’ve got flawless skin and the ability to look interested when buying fresh produce, you’re halfway home.
The worst thing about modern cookery books is that they’re printed on paper. Obviously this is a criticism which can be applied to the whole book trade, but the mess! It’s just not as important that your novel be coated in plastic. Maybe it’s just the way it’s cooked, maybe it’s the herbs and spices but I would love a book you could throw into the pan by accident and get away with it.
“LIGHTLY SAUTE BOOK IN SNIFTERS OF PECORINO WITH CHABLIS CHASER”
If that’s not delicious when it’s done then this blog is as pointless as tequila-slapped salmon cakes.
THIS JUST IN: POST PETERS OUT
THE BAD IDEA CATALOGUE
Right, the facts: It’s a book, and it’s called “The Bad Idea Catalogue”. It’s full of bad ideas adapted for commercial purposes, and it’s the funniest thing to come out of
IDEA #1 RHESUS PIECES
For the idiots out there, Rhesus is a Derived Monkey I think. Rhesus pieces are bite sized snacks made of Rhesus monkeys. Awesome.
Quantity – 1 pound Cost $3.95
IDEA #2 DOG ANCHOR
A genuine battleship anchor converted to a handy dog anchor. Prevent your pooch straying at all with half a ton of stainless steel.
Price - WAS $250,000 NOW $4.00
IDEA #3 MARGARINE OF THE MONTH CLUB
For the low low price of $19.95 per month, you can receive a different stick of margarine from the finest Micro-Dairies in the
IDEA #4 FLESH-TONE SOCKS
Oh look, a man’s feet, how nice. Hang on. Where are his toes? MY GOD WHERE ARE THEY IT’S LIKE A FLIPPER… but wait. Heh. Flesh toned socks. What genius. $9.90 for a package of 3.
IDEA #5 CAT ODOMETER
“Keep track of the wear and tear on your household pet” reads the add. I can’t improve on that. Only $4.99. Amazing.
IDEA #6 MENTHOL T-SHIRT
Right the Breakfast of Champions beckons, so it’s time to go. If this book was for sale in a normal bookshop, you’re looking at $27.95, far too much to have a joke with. Ideally TBG would stock this and you could get an quite hysterical book for $10, amazing prices really, but we’re out and I’ve promised not to do anymore shopping on my own after “the troubles”.
UPDATE: I don’t beat myself up much (always right, etc) but I WAS WRONG not to include this product.
As it suggests people. As it suggests. Only $39.95 for an individual or $79.95 FOR THE FAMILY.
May 24, 2007
The Divine Fulcrum
Flirting In Bookstores – A Guideline
Fear not: this will help.
DO NOT:
Whatever. Their names aren’t important.
What is important in the MODERN ERA is that society’s finest TM don’t have the same clear guidelines that the olden-day hotties had. Go to a ball, listen to Jane Austen, Romance to follow in carriage and so on.
But today, your crème de la crème rises to the top – and straight through the floor of
Fear not: this will help.
DO NOT:
- ‘Accidentally’ fall into her a la my preferred dance floor move – as yet unsuccessful.
- Flirt with the staff. We've got plenty to do, thank you very much.
- Wax lyrical about the Da Vinci code and/or Dan Brown.
- Talk too much. It’s like a library, and you don’t want shushing.
DO:
- Gasp loudly in Literati-style appreciation at finding a book by your favourite author. This will attract attention.
- Murmur appreciatively at the book your target is reading/ browsing.
- Wear glasses if you can.
- Politely inquire as regards newest Japanese author viz a vie the rizzle dizzle of Literaturizzle.
This is a guide, recipe if you like, for intellesexual success. If you fail, even with the guidelines as laid out you are probably more at home, village life, shoveling manure etc.
Biography
Heh. How about that Bad Hair book, eh?
I really wonder about a lot of the stuff that gets published. I often look at a book and try to imagine the pitch meeting between the author and the publisher. This also works for movies, but if you want to see that imagined into cyberspace do it yourself, I’m not your last slave dying of thirst.
BOYCS – The Geoffrey Boycott Story
For those of you with a life, GB was a plodding English cricketer who was famously run out in a test match by his own teammate for batting boringly and generally being a bit of a turd. Then he was convicted of beating his girlfriend up. Other stuff happened in between, but not much. It was really a very shit book and completely uninteresting. The sort of book that gives landfill a bad name.
Verdict: Bad, but he had a reputation for dull. Partly my fault for reading it.
CHRISTOPHER REEVE’S BIOGRAPHY
I know it’s not the done thing to laugh at quadraplegics, but steel* yourself. This post-horse-riding-accident book was so dull that there are drool marks on the three pages I read before angrily throwing it out of my window. Baby, that was years ago. I left it all behind for some cheap wine. There were a couple of achievements in there, something about stem cell research, maybe also climate change. I think he was ‘with’ Tim Flannery when they lived together in an
Verdict: Not maliciously bad, but up there with a packet of cereal for “must read”.
MARK WAUGH’S BIOGRAPHY
So I like cricket. Whatever. There was, of course, a bonus Waugh/War pun in the title somewhere, but the section of my brain that deals with having read this biography has been sealed off for safety reasons. This is the sort of book that should come with a warning not to operate heavy machinery while under its influence. Sure, he was good looking, but for a man who toured the world 7 or 8 times, he really didn’t do much. Like, anything. Hated the locals in India, South Africa, Pakistan, thought the West Indies was “dirty”, preferred room service to local cuisine and probably cheated on Sue Porter, although that wasn’t in the book. She would have deserved it though, from what I hear. Sad – it might have saved the book.
Verdict: Infected with syphilis or re-read this book? A tough choice.
PARCEL ARRIVED SAFELY, TIED UP WITH STRING – THE MICHAEL CRAWFORD BIOGRAPHY
And finally, you all see the downside to the remainder trade. We are little in the trenches here shoveling the shells of people’s dreams into the furnace, pausing only to laugh at their words along the way.
Seriously, WTF is with that title? He could have said something about Betty and everyone would have laughed, but no. Plus, he’s wearing a white suit on the cover and no one does that save Tom Wolfe, who is a god and will one day return to rule over us.
Verdict: Unforgivably crap.
LULU – My Autobiography
The Title Of Champions for biographies. Warnie used it, and that’s good enough for me. Lulu, FYI, was a washed up actress from Somewhere Else before she really got started. There are a few shots of her looking young in the middle, but the only reason to fork out money for this book is if you’re short on crayon paper for the kids.
Verdict: Your thumbs deserve better. Do Not Enter
Please note we don’t sell any of the above at TBG, and even if we did, half price, what value etc.
* Man of Steel joke thought of and passed. He was in a wheelchair, you bastards!
May 23, 2007
The Delivery
The lengths I go to for you are quite simply astonishing.
But the quality of the books is so high that it is a reward in itself.
WTF am I talking about?
We just received possibly the best shipment of books ever received anywhere in the past billion or so years. Just getting them here was frantic enough. The sights along that particular road were colourful and mind-stallingly expensive. There was a $400 bottle of Spanish Red, several unnecessary nips of $30 single malt scotch, a horrible meal at an all you can eat Chinese and Indian buffet and several displays of dentistry gone awry.
In short it was exhausting. But look what we have to show for it.
Title #1 - The Mullet
Frankly, what's not to like? It's a book, it's about mullets and the byline is "Hairstyle of the Gods". An in-depth analysis of the famed two-tiered set up. As Claire always says, it's business at the front and a party at the back. And at $12.95 you can be awarding yourself a pair of golden scissors.
Title #2 - The Naming of Names
This is devoid of the inherent sexiness of The Mullet, but a lot of people like books about gardening, so get off my case, man. It's about how plants are named or similar, but as an $80 book reduced to a judderingly affordable $29.95, aren't you interested as well?
Title #3 William Wegman Polaroids
It's hard to explain the concept behind this book without sounding like someone who's been snorting crack absinthe through a straw. It's photography featuring the dog on the cover, and others like him I assume, dressed up in all manner of outfits. On the back cover, he's wearing a delightful sun dress. There's another shot of him with blond braids tied with red ribbon. In short, it's delightful, and if you have a swathe of personal issues that prevent you relating to the public as an adult, then this is the perfect book for you.
Dogs in high heels. It's groundbreaking.
Title #4 - Bad Hair
Need I say more? There's not a single word in this book, it's just hair. Awesome.
Title #5 - Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
I don't know anything about this book apart from the fact that it's thick enough to choke a donkey, and people will respect that when they see it on your bookshelf. It was $More and now it's only $12.95.
Title #6 Charles Bukowski
My experience with Bukowski was 30 minutes of an SBS documentary on him in which he appeared to be both horrifically obnoxious and also completely talentless. A complete asshole, was my considered opinion. People seem to like him though, so maybe I should rethink my utter disdain for him. $19.95 for this one in HB, it used to be $50, what a rip-off. Books are so expensive, it's no wonder none of you read.
Title #7 Off The Wall - Fashion From the German Democratic Republic
I love it when you look at a book and think "That is a great idea". And this one is. Who knew what those crazy Chermans were up to behind the iron curtain? There are some astounding outfits in here, full body ribbed cashmere suits as well a girl wearing nothing but various belts. Let's not get all political here, but when the Berlin Wall came down there must have been some serious laughter. Dress jodphurs? Why not?
There are other books, obviously, but space does not permit me, unaccustomed as I am, etc etc
But the quality of the books is so high that it is a reward in itself.
WTF am I talking about?
We just received possibly the best shipment of books ever received anywhere in the past billion or so years. Just getting them here was frantic enough. The sights along that particular road were colourful and mind-stallingly expensive. There was a $400 bottle of Spanish Red, several unnecessary nips of $30 single malt scotch, a horrible meal at an all you can eat Chinese and Indian buffet and several displays of dentistry gone awry.
In short it was exhausting. But look what we have to show for it.
Title #1 - The Mullet
Frankly, what's not to like? It's a book, it's about mullets and the byline is "Hairstyle of the Gods". An in-depth analysis of the famed two-tiered set up. As Claire always says, it's business at the front and a party at the back. And at $12.95 you can be awarding yourself a pair of golden scissors.
Title #2 - The Naming of Names
This is devoid of the inherent sexiness of The Mullet, but a lot of people like books about gardening, so get off my case, man. It's about how plants are named or similar, but as an $80 book reduced to a judderingly affordable $29.95, aren't you interested as well?
Title #3 William Wegman Polaroids
It's hard to explain the concept behind this book without sounding like someone who's been snorting crack absinthe through a straw. It's photography featuring the dog on the cover, and others like him I assume, dressed up in all manner of outfits. On the back cover, he's wearing a delightful sun dress. There's another shot of him with blond braids tied with red ribbon. In short, it's delightful, and if you have a swathe of personal issues that prevent you relating to the public as an adult, then this is the perfect book for you.
Dogs in high heels. It's groundbreaking.
Title #4 - Bad Hair
Need I say more? There's not a single word in this book, it's just hair. Awesome.
Title #5 - Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
I don't know anything about this book apart from the fact that it's thick enough to choke a donkey, and people will respect that when they see it on your bookshelf. It was $More and now it's only $12.95.
Title #6 Charles Bukowski
My experience with Bukowski was 30 minutes of an SBS documentary on him in which he appeared to be both horrifically obnoxious and also completely talentless. A complete asshole, was my considered opinion. People seem to like him though, so maybe I should rethink my utter disdain for him. $19.95 for this one in HB, it used to be $50, what a rip-off. Books are so expensive, it's no wonder none of you read.
Title #7 Off The Wall - Fashion From the German Democratic Republic
I love it when you look at a book and think "That is a great idea". And this one is. Who knew what those crazy Chermans were up to behind the iron curtain? There are some astounding outfits in here, full body ribbed cashmere suits as well a girl wearing nothing but various belts. Let's not get all political here, but when the Berlin Wall came down there must have been some serious laughter. Dress jodphurs? Why not?
There are other books, obviously, but space does not permit me, unaccustomed as I am, etc etc
May 21, 2007
What I Am Going To Read Next
Given that current levels of disgust with Spanish mystery authors are at record highs, it's time to take stock of the book pile and try and back a winner.
Let me also point out that if you don't have a book pile to sort through, you best get one else your kid's teeth (s) will rot.
NB: ALWAYS STACK BIGGER BOOKS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE.
Now is not the time to explain how I learnt that lesson. Just accept that it was painful for everyone and move on. I have.
Now, the pile.
The Origin of Wealth - Eric D. Beinhocker
Two things appeal about this book - the title implies that I'm intelligent for anyone who casually reads it in the stack, and the author's name is a cracker. It's a big book, been on the bottom of the pile for 6 months now. Realistically, I'll never read it. BUT I MIGHT.
A Writer at War - Vasily Grossman
I suspect that this is a miserable account by a Russian (I know!) involved in one of last centuries frequent conflicts. Interesting as a historical item, but humanity has moved past the warfare thing so there's nothing to see here.
Schott's Sporting and Gaming Miscellany - Ben Schott
Having enjoyed his other two books, I thought I might give this a go. Although it's probably more a book for the toilet with interval sized pieces of information to digest. Not really reading, as such, is it?
The Third Policeman - Flann O'Brien
This was recommended to me a month ago and I finally found a copy in a second hand bookshop. There's a lot riding on this - this is the first recommendation I've accepted from this source, but he was spot on about Roald Dahl and someone else, so it's worth a try. DEFINITE POSSIBILITY.
A New City - Melbourne's Land Boom In Photographs
"In Photographs" is the best thing you can ever add to the title of a book. It ups your potential readership from near zero to literally billions of people. I once found myself flicking through a history of business cards In Photographs. Shocking what this trade does to you, the damage, the damage etc.
The Gate - Francois Bizot
We keep re-ordering this book, so there must be something good about it. Young French traveller arrested for alleged spying, torture & mayhem ensue. Returns to scene of original crimes 30 years later, and apparently writes about it beautifully. THIS IS A WINNER PEOPLE. Also in a hardback, and you know I prefer that...
OK, I'll let you know if it was any good in a week or so. Go on with your lives in the meantime.
Also, I forgot to mention The Good Soldier Svejk which I am into at the moment. Awesome book, kind of like a Czech Catch-22. Will 'colour in' that review when I'm done.
Let me also point out that if you don't have a book pile to sort through, you best get one else your kid's teeth (s) will rot.
NB: ALWAYS STACK BIGGER BOOKS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE.
Now is not the time to explain how I learnt that lesson. Just accept that it was painful for everyone and move on. I have.
Now, the pile.
The Origin of Wealth - Eric D. Beinhocker
Two things appeal about this book - the title implies that I'm intelligent for anyone who casually reads it in the stack, and the author's name is a cracker. It's a big book, been on the bottom of the pile for 6 months now. Realistically, I'll never read it. BUT I MIGHT.
A Writer at War - Vasily Grossman
I suspect that this is a miserable account by a Russian (I know!) involved in one of last centuries frequent conflicts. Interesting as a historical item, but humanity has moved past the warfare thing so there's nothing to see here.
Schott's Sporting and Gaming Miscellany - Ben Schott
Having enjoyed his other two books, I thought I might give this a go. Although it's probably more a book for the toilet with interval sized pieces of information to digest. Not really reading, as such, is it?
The Third Policeman - Flann O'Brien
This was recommended to me a month ago and I finally found a copy in a second hand bookshop. There's a lot riding on this - this is the first recommendation I've accepted from this source, but he was spot on about Roald Dahl and someone else, so it's worth a try. DEFINITE POSSIBILITY.
A New City - Melbourne's Land Boom In Photographs
"In Photographs" is the best thing you can ever add to the title of a book. It ups your potential readership from near zero to literally billions of people. I once found myself flicking through a history of business cards In Photographs. Shocking what this trade does to you, the damage, the damage etc.
The Gate - Francois Bizot
We keep re-ordering this book, so there must be something good about it. Young French traveller arrested for alleged spying, torture & mayhem ensue. Returns to scene of original crimes 30 years later, and apparently writes about it beautifully. THIS IS A WINNER PEOPLE. Also in a hardback, and you know I prefer that...
OK, I'll let you know if it was any good in a week or so. Go on with your lives in the meantime.
Also, I forgot to mention The Good Soldier Svejk which I am into at the moment. Awesome book, kind of like a Czech Catch-22. Will 'colour in' that review when I'm done.
What I Read On My Holiday
Welcome back - to you.
The trip was fine, thanks for asking.
So while I was away I got stuck into this author called Perez-Reverte. I'd read another of his books, The Dumas Club, and thought it was pretty good. Actually, I thought the first 95% of it was bloody amazing and that the last 5% was a dog's breakfast just-signed-for-another-book-need-to-finish-asap kind of thing.
Let me make it clear at this point that I have never had anything published. In fact, I've had very little formal education at all. Yes, yes, free from restrictions of society/mores etc but also prepared to judge harshly that which I do not understand.
Anyway, I bought another book of his called The Flander's Panel which pretty much did the same thing. Fortunately, I was prepared this time and didn't invest emotion.
Still, what is it with this guy? He comes up with this great idea for a mystery, researches it like you would expect a Scottish terrier to,( if he had a library card of course) then sets it all up beautifully only to watch it fall in a heap.
TBG prescribes one dose of Literary Viagra, TM. For the storyline, of course.
And the worst thing is that I am halfway through another of his books already. I can't stop reading them. It's like I'm Book Emo or such.
*Discards paper-cut joke*
Anyway, we have another of his on sale now, yada yada, $14.95 or something similarly amazing, get there, stocks last etc. Seriously though, read the end first. You'll thank me.
The trip was fine, thanks for asking.
So while I was away I got stuck into this author called Perez-Reverte. I'd read another of his books, The Dumas Club, and thought it was pretty good. Actually, I thought the first 95% of it was bloody amazing and that the last 5% was a dog's breakfast just-signed-for-another-book-need-to-finish-asap kind of thing.
Let me make it clear at this point that I have never had anything published. In fact, I've had very little formal education at all. Yes, yes, free from restrictions of society/mores etc but also prepared to judge harshly that which I do not understand.
Anyway, I bought another book of his called The Flander's Panel which pretty much did the same thing. Fortunately, I was prepared this time and didn't invest emotion.
Still, what is it with this guy? He comes up with this great idea for a mystery, researches it like you would expect a Scottish terrier to,( if he had a library card of course) then sets it all up beautifully only to watch it fall in a heap.
TBG prescribes one dose of Literary Viagra, TM. For the storyline, of course.
And the worst thing is that I am halfway through another of his books already. I can't stop reading them. It's like I'm Book Emo or such.
*Discards paper-cut joke*
Anyway, we have another of his on sale now, yada yada, $14.95 or something similarly amazing, get there, stocks last etc. Seriously though, read the end first. You'll thank me.
May 17, 2007
New Arrivals
Hello, Constituents...
We just bought a remainder collection from an old, old friend. Frankly, it's awesome. There's a lot of new art books, as well as some much-requested craft/textile books.
Now that's out of the way....
We're considering having an opening night party. Exciting isn't it?
Due to the psychotic nature of 50% of everyone on the internet, I'm a little reluctant to put the details up here.
You could always go to the store and present yourself as a reasonable individual, email me, or just show up every Friday afternoon from now on and hope.
Also, if you are in desperate need of the biggest Italian/English dictionary that the publishing world has ever conceived, then you're in luck. They'll be in store in a week or so.
We just bought a remainder collection from an old, old friend. Frankly, it's awesome. There's a lot of new art books, as well as some much-requested craft/textile books.
Now that's out of the way....
We're considering having an opening night party. Exciting isn't it?
Due to the psychotic nature of 50% of everyone on the internet, I'm a little reluctant to put the details up here.
You could always go to the store and present yourself as a reasonable individual, email me, or just show up every Friday afternoon from now on and hope.
Also, if you are in desperate need of the biggest Italian/English dictionary that the publishing world has ever conceived, then you're in luck. They'll be in store in a week or so.
May 10, 2007
The Dark Mark
Following on from the sheer yet sadly unacknowledged brilliance of my last post, I thought it might be timely to have a chat with you, my Readership, about remainder marks. You will of course note the graceful ease with which I have segued from one subject to another, using 'The Dark Mark' as a title of course relates the two, as you now have realised.
By now, you should have an idea what a remainder is. If you don't, you'll need to go back and start at the beginning like so many bad choices in a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book.
Remainders are often distinguished from 'proper' new books by a nasty posca-pen mark on the base of the book.
Let's deal with the obvious question first.
No, you can't have a discount because of the texta mark on the book. It's already half price, do you want to see me out of business? DO YOU?
The mark is on the book because you, The Consumer, have a track record of shifty behaviour and law-breakin'. When remainders were first sold unmarked, the unscrupulous amongst you bought them at high-end remainder stores (eg. TBG) and then 'returned' them to full price whale-hunting bookstores, such as Angus and Robertsons.
You will also have realised that paying $10 for a book and returning it for $20 is like a wonderful, wonderful pony ride on a breezy summer's day.
So, the idiot full price stores forced all the publishers to draw on the base of most remainders to stop their staff being fooled. I'm assuming the question 'Do you have a receipt?' would have been too hard.
If you are interested in learning how to make a remainder mark, there will be a short but informative clinic being held in TBG in a few weeks time. Leave a comment if you're interested in attending.
By now, you should have an idea what a remainder is. If you don't, you'll need to go back and start at the beginning like so many bad choices in a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book.
Remainders are often distinguished from 'proper' new books by a nasty posca-pen mark on the base of the book.
Let's deal with the obvious question first.
No, you can't have a discount because of the texta mark on the book. It's already half price, do you want to see me out of business? DO YOU?
The mark is on the book because you, The Consumer, have a track record of shifty behaviour and law-breakin'. When remainders were first sold unmarked, the unscrupulous amongst you bought them at high-end remainder stores (eg. TBG) and then 'returned' them to full price whale-hunting bookstores, such as Angus and Robertsons.
You will also have realised that paying $10 for a book and returning it for $20 is like a wonderful, wonderful pony ride on a breezy summer's day.
So, the idiot full price stores forced all the publishers to draw on the base of most remainders to stop their staff being fooled. I'm assuming the question 'Do you have a receipt?' would have been too hard.
If you are interested in learning how to make a remainder mark, there will be a short but informative clinic being held in TBG in a few weeks time. Leave a comment if you're interested in attending.
May 3, 2007
The Book Grocer - FAQ/ Harry Potter
1) Why is it called The Book Grocer?
It's called that because we have books for every taste - get it?
2) Why are your books so cheap?
We buy them remaindered - see the post from yesterday - and we steal some. Actually, we don't steal any.
3) Do you have the new Harry Potter book?
No, we don't.
4) Are you going to get it in soon?
No, we're not.
5) Why not?
Because the publishing houses want to sell it to you for $60 a book instead of a more reasonable $20. They're gouging a fair bit on some of these new releases, you must admit.
6) Can you get the new Harry Potter in for me if I order it?
No, we don't take book orders because we're a remaindered book dealer and as such at the mercy of the publishers etc etc
7) Do you know where I can get the new Harry Potter?
Big W. K-Mart. Anywhere but here.
8) What about the old Harry Potter book?
We haven't got any Harry Potter books. And I don't know any spells either.
It's called that because we have books for every taste - get it?
2) Why are your books so cheap?
We buy them remaindered - see the post from yesterday - and we steal some. Actually, we don't steal any.
3) Do you have the new Harry Potter book?
No, we don't.
4) Are you going to get it in soon?
No, we're not.
5) Why not?
Because the publishing houses want to sell it to you for $60 a book instead of a more reasonable $20. They're gouging a fair bit on some of these new releases, you must admit.
6) Can you get the new Harry Potter in for me if I order it?
No, we don't take book orders because we're a remaindered book dealer and as such at the mercy of the publishers etc etc
7) Do you know where I can get the new Harry Potter?
Big W. K-Mart. Anywhere but here.
8) What about the old Harry Potter book?
We haven't got any Harry Potter books. And I don't know any spells either.
Book Club - Should we?
I and my entire readership have given some thought to starting a book club.
To be honest with you, they often fill me with panic. A friend of mine tried to start one last year and had a lot of problems with it. One of the problems was that he arranged the first meeting by the Yarra on the day the Commonwealth Games started. So he ended up with over 100,000 people attending the opening night, but on the downside none of them had read the book.
After that, it dropped off a bit. I was partly to blame, but let's not talk about that now.
I think it was mainly to do with my friend failing to manage people's expectations. From his description, I thought the book club would look like this:
Plus you've got the whole thing where someone always hates someone else in the group, and that paralysing fear that you've missed the whole point of the book and make a hideously embarrasing remark which reveals the depth of your stupidity. Or that everyone hates the book you've chosen, and no matter how much you yell at them they still think that way THE WRONG WAY!!!
It could be fun though....
Anyway, this post is more directed at people who IN THE FUTURE will fall in love with TBG, then this blog, then read through the archives and see that which is revealed in this post; ie that a book club is a possibility.
We could meet in the shop?
To be honest with you, they often fill me with panic. A friend of mine tried to start one last year and had a lot of problems with it. One of the problems was that he arranged the first meeting by the Yarra on the day the Commonwealth Games started. So he ended up with over 100,000 people attending the opening night, but on the downside none of them had read the book.
After that, it dropped off a bit. I was partly to blame, but let's not talk about that now.
I think it was mainly to do with my friend failing to manage people's expectations. From his description, I thought the book club would look like this:
"Classy Verb or Adverb?"
When in reality, it was more like this.
"4 times the fun!"
Plus you've got the whole thing where someone always hates someone else in the group, and that paralysing fear that you've missed the whole point of the book and make a hideously embarrasing remark which reveals the depth of your stupidity. Or that everyone hates the book you've chosen, and no matter how much you yell at them they still think that way THE WRONG WAY!!!
It could be fun though....
Anyway, this post is more directed at people who IN THE FUTURE will fall in love with TBG, then this blog, then read through the archives and see that which is revealed in this post; ie that a book club is a possibility.
We could meet in the shop?
White Suit, Combover - an Author
Do you know this man? And before you answer, no, it's not Bryce "The Potato Factory" Courtenay.
It's Tom Wolfe, and if you've never tried his books I highly recommend you get into them immediately.
He wrote Bonfire of the Vanities which was turned into an almost watchable movie featuring Bruce Willis as a famous author! And people say there's no humour in Hollywood. It's my second favourite piece of casting ever, after Goldie Hawn playing a barrister in Bird on a Wire. You can't teach acting the way she does it.
Anywho, his most recent book, I am Charlotte Simmons is about a girl who goes to college in the states. She's from a small town and struggles to come to terms with the boneheads who seem to inhabit every generation and every university. His descriptive style is second to none, and he has a knack for picking the sounds out of an accent and bringing them to life off the page.
Really, he does.
Here's the cover, for your assistance.
I'm sure there are plenty of literary reasons to read this book, but the simplest is that I liked it and you should probably trust me.
If, for whatever reason, you don't like it, then try the rest of his stuff before you come crying to me, ok?
But most importantly, do NOT pay $24.95 for this book in a paperback when it's only $9.95 at TBG.
Really, he does.
Here's the cover, for your assistance.
I'm sure there are plenty of literary reasons to read this book, but the simplest is that I liked it and you should probably trust me.
If, for whatever reason, you don't like it, then try the rest of his stuff before you come crying to me, ok?
But most importantly, do NOT pay $24.95 for this book in a paperback when it's only $9.95 at TBG.
May 2, 2007
The Gold
These are some of the titles I've seen get remaindered over the last year. Please note, for legal purposes this DOES NOT mean that I've purchased them - just that I've seen them around.
*whistles casually*
It also includes books which have come through as returned stock.
The Alchemist - Paolo Coehlo
Guns, Germs and Steel - Jared Diamond
Collapse - Jared Diamond
The Da Vinci Code - Daniel "Dan" Brown
All the other stuff Dan Brown wrote
Selected Poems - Charles Bukowski
Ask the Dust - John Fante
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynn Truss
A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
Judge Me Harder; The Judge Judy Story - Judge Judy
Feast - Nigella Lawson
How To Eat - Nigella Lawson
Please note that no book Peter Carey has written has ever been remaindered. I don't even know who Peter Carey is.
There are others, of course, but I can't think of any others with a "Wow" factor. If you like, leave the name of a book in the comments section and I'll tell you that we had it remaindered a couple of months ago.
Alternatively, you could stop into the store etc etc.
*whistles casually*
It also includes books which have come through as returned stock.
The Alchemist - Paolo Coehlo
Guns, Germs and Steel - Jared Diamond
Collapse - Jared Diamond
The Da Vinci Code - Daniel "Dan" Brown
All the other stuff Dan Brown wrote
Selected Poems - Charles Bukowski
Ask the Dust - John Fante
Eats, Shoots and Leaves - Lynn Truss
A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
Judge Me Harder; The Judge Judy Story - Judge Judy
Feast - Nigella Lawson
How To Eat - Nigella Lawson
Please note that no book Peter Carey has written has ever been remaindered. I don't even know who Peter Carey is.
There are others, of course, but I can't think of any others with a "Wow" factor. If you like, leave the name of a book in the comments section and I'll tell you that we had it remaindered a couple of months ago.
Alternatively, you could stop into the store etc etc.
Book Requests
Hello all,
If you have a request for us to purchase in a particular remaindered book, please leave the title and the author's name in the comments section.
Please also note that this probably won't help - with remaindered books we only ever get a small selection of the books that are published, and even then only the titles which the publishing houses wish to get rid of.
This is also the reason the books are so inexpensive - the publisher has opted to dump their excess copies of books they feel they cannot sell in a certain time frame.
However, requesting titles will often make you feel better, so give it a go.
A NOTE ON REQUESTING TITLES
Since publishers get to choose which titles they would like to remainder, they are in, you might say, the box seat. See the below experiment for an outline of the remaindering proces MENTALLY SPEAKING
AIM
To remainder book A or book B
THE CHOICE
Book A - Harry Potter Latest Release Guaranteed Seller
Book B - A History of The Use of Nun-Chucks in Chuck Norris Films - Pre- Moustache Grooming Era.
Both books take up the same space, so remaindering either of them will solve the publisher's problem. But now the hard part - which one to choose?
ANSWER
Obviously the publisher will remainder Book B, since it sounds like crap and no-one ever remainders Harry Potter (spells, etc).
THE UPSIDE
Don't think that this means that the good stuff never comes through the store - it most certainly does. It usually arrives in quantities of 10 copies or less, and therefore isn't around for long.
Since these books are usually in high demand, people panic-buy when they find them at half price. Tomorrow I'll post a list of the books which I've seen through in the past year as remainders or returns - ASTONISHING!!
If you have a request for us to purchase in a particular remaindered book, please leave the title and the author's name in the comments section.
Please also note that this probably won't help - with remaindered books we only ever get a small selection of the books that are published, and even then only the titles which the publishing houses wish to get rid of.
This is also the reason the books are so inexpensive - the publisher has opted to dump their excess copies of books they feel they cannot sell in a certain time frame.
However, requesting titles will often make you feel better, so give it a go.
A NOTE ON REQUESTING TITLES
Since publishers get to choose which titles they would like to remainder, they are in, you might say, the box seat. See the below experiment for an outline of the remaindering proces MENTALLY SPEAKING
AIM
To remainder book A or book B
THE CHOICE
Book A - Harry Potter Latest Release Guaranteed Seller
Book B - A History of The Use of Nun-Chucks in Chuck Norris Films - Pre- Moustache Grooming Era.
Both books take up the same space, so remaindering either of them will solve the publisher's problem. But now the hard part - which one to choose?
ANSWER
Obviously the publisher will remainder Book B, since it sounds like crap and no-one ever remainders Harry Potter (spells, etc).
THE UPSIDE
Don't think that this means that the good stuff never comes through the store - it most certainly does. It usually arrives in quantities of 10 copies or less, and therefore isn't around for long.
Since these books are usually in high demand, people panic-buy when they find them at half price. Tomorrow I'll post a list of the books which I've seen through in the past year as remainders or returns - ASTONISHING!!
May 1, 2007
Platform - Michelle Houellebecq
There are two schools of thought about this author. Half of his readers think he's a literary genius who reels off cutting insights into modern society with a classy Gallic shrug. The other half thinks he's a complete wanker who writes cheap pornography.
I read Atomised after I'd read Platform, and they're both terrible. The former is his best book, I'm told.
Platform revolves around some French dude with a chip on his shoulder. After a series of quite boring events, he goes to Thailand with a tour group and sleeps with a bunch of hookers. He then meets a French girl, and they threeway their way around the world setting up an international sex-tour company.
The low point for me in this book - and there were plenty to choose from - was a particularly galling conversation about supply-side economics. Also, while choosing a Thai prostitute the narrator is praised by one of the other characters - "Hmm, good choice. She has something of the slut about her".
That is, like, awesome dialogue. Totally.
That said, if you're a devotee of this particular brand of immature filth, you aren't going to find it anywhere cheaper than TBG. $14.95 for a HB is expensive for toilet paper, but cheap if you like it.
I read Atomised after I'd read Platform, and they're both terrible. The former is his best book, I'm told.
Platform revolves around some French dude with a chip on his shoulder. After a series of quite boring events, he goes to Thailand with a tour group and sleeps with a bunch of hookers. He then meets a French girl, and they threeway their way around the world setting up an international sex-tour company.
The low point for me in this book - and there were plenty to choose from - was a particularly galling conversation about supply-side economics. Also, while choosing a Thai prostitute the narrator is praised by one of the other characters - "Hmm, good choice. She has something of the slut about her".
That is, like, awesome dialogue. Totally.
That said, if you're a devotee of this particular brand of immature filth, you aren't going to find it anywhere cheaper than TBG. $14.95 for a HB is expensive for toilet paper, but cheap if you like it.
Snakes and Earrings - A review
While I realise judging a book by its cover is so 5 minutes ago, you can get a pretty good indication from some covers as to what lies beneath. Let's run through a short checklist for "Snakes and Earrings"
- Unknown Japanese author - check
- Described as "cult classic" - check
- Indeterminate part of nude body on cover - check
These are danger signs, people. You've been warned.
The basic premise of this book is a "brutal and explicit" love triangle revolving around a beautiful 19 year old girl who becomes infatuated with a guy with a forked tongue and a tatooist with a penchant for violent sex. Jealousy plays second fiddle to outright disgust; there's a pretty bad murder scene in there but I read it with my hands over my eyes so details are sketchy.
But don't rush out and buy it for your mother straight away. It gets even more violent towards the end.
In its defense, this is a very short novel, so you can read it in an evening and still have time for 3 or 4 showers. For teenage boys, there is also the benefit of not having to flip through to the dirty bits, as there's usually something pretty salacious and/or grotesque on every page.
At $7.95, it's a must have for 'edgy' literature graduates and Marilyn Manson fans.
- Unknown Japanese author - check
- Described as "cult classic" - check
- Indeterminate part of nude body on cover - check
These are danger signs, people. You've been warned.
The basic premise of this book is a "brutal and explicit" love triangle revolving around a beautiful 19 year old girl who becomes infatuated with a guy with a forked tongue and a tatooist with a penchant for violent sex. Jealousy plays second fiddle to outright disgust; there's a pretty bad murder scene in there but I read it with my hands over my eyes so details are sketchy.
But don't rush out and buy it for your mother straight away. It gets even more violent towards the end.
In its defense, this is a very short novel, so you can read it in an evening and still have time for 3 or 4 showers. For teenage boys, there is also the benefit of not having to flip through to the dirty bits, as there's usually something pretty salacious and/or grotesque on every page.
At $7.95, it's a must have for 'edgy' literature graduates and Marilyn Manson fans.
The Book Grocer
Hello!
Welcome to The Book Grocer, Melbourne's premier outlet for high quality remaindered books.
Goodness only knows what this blog will turn into - will it be a creative outlet for book reviews? Will it serve as an online diary, offering a sneak preview into life at the top of the book trade? Or will it fall into disrepair and be neglected like so many blogs before it?
If you have a question about a particular book, feel free to ask it in the comments section.
Maybe a book review next?
Welcome to The Book Grocer, Melbourne's premier outlet for high quality remaindered books.
Goodness only knows what this blog will turn into - will it be a creative outlet for book reviews? Will it serve as an online diary, offering a sneak preview into life at the top of the book trade? Or will it fall into disrepair and be neglected like so many blogs before it?
If you have a question about a particular book, feel free to ask it in the comments section.
Maybe a book review next?
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