WORD PICTURE

Solutions in the comments, please. And seriously, if you can't get this then I can't help you anymore. Buy a light sabre and move to Tierra Del Fuego, for crying out loud.

Ok, here we go.

PART 1



PART 2



PART 3



Hint: Combine the parts to get the answer.

Answers must be in a full sentence.


Regards, The Marketing Department

QUALITY FICTION

The uptown girls are headed downtown as Serena and Jenny take on their new fabulous roles as rock-star model girlfriends of New York's hottest band, The Raves. Meanwhile, Dan is too busy drowning his sorrows in empty bottles to notice a mysterious French beauty who has a penchant for dirty, Jim Morrison wannabe lead singers. Blair takes residence at the Plaza to think about her future. Will she become a gun-toting international spy or Manhattan's snobbiest society hostess? Decisions are so difficult! Sounds like everyone needs a day off at the spa. And Senior Spa Day promises to serve up further doses of scandal for New York's busiest private-school vixens.

http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/z/cecily-von-ziegesar/nobody-does-it-better.htm

We're not averse to quality here - we just don't seek it out unless we absolutley have to.

Respect the price though - at $7.95 you're getting a lot of book.

SALE STARTS MONDAY

There are some things in life which are unavoidable. Death and taxes spring to mind, The Melbourne Writer's Festival is probably another. Also, chickens and pigeons, gift cards and hospital visits. You see?



Very formal in here, isn't it?

Anyway, the point of all this is to show you the following photographs. I'll then draw a conclusion which benefits me financially. Are you with me? OK.



For those of you who have trouble seeing asian men in tiny helmets riding motorbikes shaped like pigs, the above picture may be hard to make out.

The point is that with a little education and perhaps a different view of the world, the gentleman above may have bought a mirror or similar and decided go for a more traditional bike.

Not that the above bike isn't lovely, mind you. I'm sure it's very useful, and looks cheerful enough. However, there are some situations in which owning such a vehicle may crimp you both emotionally and physically.

1) Own Wedding.
2) Pig Farm visit.
3) Tax Audit.

Then we have these three people.



Do you think the man in the middle is loving or hating this photograph? If you answered hating, you're wrong. He's excited, and you can see the adrenaline pumping out of his pores. Ignore that defensive body language, if you had Spiderman and Aphidwoman next to you you would be nervous too, what's that, you've killed a spider in the past, my good man, that was my brother, now I will web you to death etc...

Anyway, rather than being photographed on the cusp of the fantasy world of "fantasy", Moustache-Boy could be sitting on his couch happily twirling and engaged in some outlandish world created by Anne McCaffery or similar where nubile horses plough humanity into the dust in sky cities run by elven fish.

And the common thread between these two is, as ever, a shortage of money. Maybe if the pig guy had saved some money on his books, he wouldn't have to ride a strange farmyard/mechanical cross-breed. And perhaps if the man being mobbed by frightening superheroes had spent less on new releases, he'd be in a position to be able to afford the DVD rather than enduring a painful role-play while wearing a back pack.

Which brings me to the point. This week only, from Monday August 27th to September 2nd, every book in our Sydney Road store is 33% off .

Please note: this is Sydney Road ONLY.

SIN CITY - A DIARY

Wednesday August 15^th

Arrive via M5 and cruise into town at breakneck crawl. Am abused by passing Commodore sporting Cronulla Sharks sticker. Victorian plates clearly a disadvantage. Local radio includes the following dialogue:

DJ1: Brett, I know you’re a MASSIVE fan of Ugly Betty, so you’re gonna LURVE this little bit of gossip.

BRETT: Ya huh, Ya huh.

DJ1: Of course, Ugly Betty has been a favourite of mine, it’s been a MASSIVE smash hit, you know, and, well look, it’s SO HOT over almost entirely all over ALL the entire world!

BRETT: Yah, that’s right, and we’ll have that Ugly Betty story right after this Recent Smash Hit from Kylieeeee!!

The Parramatta Eels' new supporter's pack

Feel somewhat deflated. Pay $4 to drive the wrong way down one of the “M” roads. Traffic horrific. Drink Chardonnay behind the wheel to try and get the feel of the city. Am screamed at by BMW-driving multi-tasker who fails to look up from his BlackBerry^TM. Re-assess intended length of stay.

Dock at hotel and disembark to nearest pub. Receive blank stare when I request a “pot” of beer. Am offered a middy, schooner, pint, or 7 ounce. Refuse to believe barman is unaware of Victoria’s existence. Also seriously doubt the claim that beer tastes better in NSW. Am then offered a schooner of VB with no irony at a very reasonable $5.50. Try to strike up a conversation with some locals playing the poker machines. No success. Drink self into expensive stupor before relocating to restaurant made of underwear and sheets of glass. Do not understand anything on the menu. Waitress arrives with white plate twice as large as her head. Consume food and begin feeling the urge to talk of theatre and take cocaine. Consider moving to Sydney.

"We need these funds to bring Star City into the 21st Century"

Thursday August 16^th

Day begins with appointment at Homebush. I arrive after accidentally going via airport departure lounge and several more toll roads. Estimated time of trip – 30 minutes. Actual time of trip – 90 minutes. Miss beginning of second appointment, but get to pay $2 for 20 minutes of on-street parking. Am nearly run down by flaxen-haired octogenarian with perky breasts in a Mercedes. No apology. Purchase sandwich for $12.50 and am deliberately shortchanged. 5 minutes late returning to car and receive ticket for $185. Try to calculate how much cocaine that is, and realise I must leave soon. Return to hotel. Think briefly and confusingly of Colin Firth and fall asleep.

"You must try the solarium-ripened oysters"

Friday August 17^th

Get into car still sleepy and after 10 minutes realise that I am not driving. Clearly becoming adjusted to the traffic. Switch engine on and am immediately lost. Drive to George St by accident and am unable to extricate myself. Notice the fine stitching on Zegna suits in the shop windows, and begin contemplating a dress watch. Receive parking fine at traffic lights for failing to move quickly enough. My adjustment is not yet complete. Appointments notable today for complete absence of human interaction. Think I may have spotted Tara Moss. Take out short term gym membership and buy significant amounts of hair product. Hear cutlery described as “some gorgeous little things”. Oh jesus. One day to go.

Saturday August 18^th

Attend local café for morning coffee and am caught up in machine-side melee over what constitutes a Machiatto. Police move in to accept bribe, then depart reading a form guide for Harold Park Raceway. Breakfast consists of ingredients which sound and taste completely fictional. Go to Fish Markets for lunch and pay $12 per hour to park. Have my Balmain Bugs stolen by a homeless, my tuna by a seagull and my seat by a family of 4. Have white wine forced into me by fish-themed wench promoting higher mercury levels. Scream at top of lungs and nobody notices. Homeless guy begins holding forth on the property bubble as I make my exit.

Dinner. Receive incredibly rude service at Chinese restaurant. The food, however, is good. Brittle woman smiles at me for a long time before removing a fish bone from her mouth. It was a grimace all along. She’s dining with a go-getter with upper management written all over him. They take turns eating, talking and rolling their eyes. Soup and a main nets me a three-figure bill.

Attend party in bar at Darling Harbour. Furniture is UltraUltraModern, and bar name unreadable in avant-garde font. Try to convert cost of a glass of Champagne into Victorian dollars with no success. Consider purchasing “Savage Bliss” condom in toilet. $3 per packet, packet contains 1. Bargain. Party descends into clamour of mutual name-dropping. I receive no traction with Alan Didak or Livinia Nixon. Embarrass myself by dropping Eddie Maguire’s name to Eddie. Start wondering about the benefits of intravenous drug use and fantasise about supporting a rugby league team. Listen to Sydneysider’s story of Bono and Keith Richards snorting crushed antacid tablets for the third time and wonder. Search for Poker Machines with no success.

Begin purchasing bottled beer from boutique country and receive ticket for standing at the bar too long. Pay $4 to use the restroom, and cannot understand how the urinal works. Depart from party with cocaine doggy bag and take $40 taxi back to city hotel. Find a small pod of fashion models attempting to defect in the back of my car. Lure out with fake invitation to Bondi Icebergs and make my escape.

CAUTION MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF ADVERTISING

Here's what I am reading/thinking about reading/ reading the inside covers of. You should too.

1) Pistache – Sebastian Faulks

Caution! Genius at work. The literary parody doesn’t get much of a run these days, but Faulks has a killer ear for the language and his two page impersonations of a swathe of well-known authors are well worth a read. Highly endorsed by Melbourne's most charismatic writer/ hedonist. My favourite is the Martin Amis, or maybe Jane Austen’s take on a rave. $12.95, plenty in stock at both locations.

2) Harry Potter 6 – J.K. Rowling

"Please sample the wry grin"

Only kidding. Save your dollars, you’ll be old and lonely one day. And no, we’re not selling it anyway.

3) The Joke’s Over – Ralph Steadman's Memories of Hunter S. Thompson

The father of Gonzo journalism and self-confessed gun-nut, Thompson rampaged his way through the 60s and 70s, abusing alcohol and substances as quickly as they became available. His most famous work, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is most notable for a line on the opening page - “My attorney removed his shirt and poured beer on his chest to facilitate the tanning process”. Awesome. This book is Steadman's recollections of his life with HST, and it's a worthwhile read, despite Steadman being a little dull in places. Limited quantities at both shops, only $19.95 in a hardcover. Try here for a proper newspaper review.

4) Power of Art – Simon Schama

Not reading so much as looking at colourful pictures. Schama made his name as an historian, and this looks like a cash-in book to me. Shame it’s been remaindered already! HAHAHA. Only kidding Simon, I like you, you’ll do well. $24.95 and an absolute steal at that price, buy 10 of them and I’ll knock a dollar off the price.

5) Not Even Wrong – Peter Woit

I think it’s about science, so if your old man used to be a physics teacher or similar, this is an awesome gift. Plus I’ve bought too many of them and I need to shift some units pronto. Beat the Christmas rush in September, people. $19.95, borderline limitless availability.

6) The Fountainhead – Ayn Rand

Be seduced by a right-wing manifesto today! You won’t believe your ears are you hear yourself talking about personal integrity and the freedom of the market. Break free of your socialist shackles and reach for the skies of Objectivism set in 1920s America. Consider architecture as a career and become confused by Ellsworth Toohey. A journey not to be missed. $14.95 for the paperback, but with your newfound views on personal wealth it will seem like a drop in the ocean.

THE BEST LITERARY GAME EVER

Look at this. Double click it to see it in all its 200 point font glory.

It's a new game called Fennetic Scrabble. The rules are simple. You can have any word you like, so long as you can justify it to your playing companions.

My favourite was "Heannes". It means really bad.

HARRY POTTER AGAIN

So I caved and borrowed my friend’s copy of the last Harry Potter. I was always going to read it, having read all the others. It’s just as annoying as the last ones, but like The Da Vinci Code, it’s almost like watching television. You can skip a paragraph here or there, skim a page or two and so long as you read the last few pages with some level of attention, you’re going to be just as satisfied as someone who lined up at 234 Collins St that fateful Saturday morning, just 2 weeks ago.

And it’s been a good journey with Harry so far. I’m about halfway through it, and I’ve put my finger on some of his most irritating traits, which I’ll list here for you. J.K. Rowling, if you’re reading this, please don’t be upset. I’m completely unqualified to judge, and anyway, you’ve done alright out of all this, haven’t you?

1) Falso Bravado! – Everyone has balls of steel in these books. There’s a lingering fear of evil triumphing, but with a jaunty throwaway line and some recently concocted spell, all is well.

2) Hermaoeioune’s Bag-O-Everything – I guess when you’re writing fiction about magic, there’s a tendency to take the piss, but this bag of hers has been shitting me since it first arrived in the plot. It fits an infinite amount of useful things, all perfectly categorized and pre-packed by Hermoine to satisfy the needs of the the book’s heroes. Run into trouble? Never fear! I packed the De-Troubler, it’s in my bag just under the Debt Certificates, would you mind?

3) Ron Weasley – Maybe it’s a red head thing, but I’ve never liked the Weasleys in general and Ron in particular. He’s annoying and while this makes HP look a bit less unappealing, he could die painfully at the end of this book and I’ll feel better about things. Ginny, however, may be a fox. Hey, you want a wig? My shout!

4) Incompetent Evil – A feature of all children’s books, really. I reckon it’s part of the reason some people wander through life looking stunned and dressing like flood victims – they’ve bought the idea that evil people are hopeless and will inevitably fail, and the real world continues to amaze them with its brutality. Cast your eye over some major Children’s characters of recent times and acknowledge the wisdom – Dr Claw, The Witches, any of the Indians from Fenimore Cooper, the list is endless. Darth Vader was good, but you really have to surround yourself with good people if you want to run an enterprise that size. Middle management yet again found wanting, see me in my office etc...

5) Kreacher – Seriously. Magical powers must surely extend to correct grammar. He’s not even trying to structure his sentences properly. Plus I’m seeing him everywhere now, day and night, so that’s not helping.

There’ll be others as I get nearer the end. I hope there’s a testimonial style appearance of ghosts towards the end each passing on some meaningful advice as Harry moves towards a brighter future, one free from the spectre of evil. Hopefully there’ll be some moral guidance in there as well, something about giving or sharing perhaps.

DIRT

Yes, we’re open. Haven’t you been in yet? It really is a dream come true for everyone, particularly home owners and young families. That’s right, TBG continuing to deliver happiness even as rising interest rates bring pressure to bear on Aussie battlers.

But that’s not why we’re here today. In all the kerfuffle involving new stores opening, it can be easy to lose sight of some of the publishing industry’s more spectacular indiscretions.

TITLE: The Empress’s New Lingerie

AUTHOR: Hillary Rollins

PRECIS: ‘Bedtime stories for grown-ups’

That’s right. TBG has moved into erotic fiction. But the ongoing struggle of the remainder industry, the availability of anything even approaching readable, is ever more pronounced in the small yet swelling field of erotic fiction.

So this book aims to turn your favourite fairytales – Cinderella, Snow White etc – into artful erotique while, obviously, maintaining the integrity of the original storyline.

I started with “Jackie and The Beanstalk”. Here’s a paragraph from the first page.

“The old man could see that his daughter thoroughly enjoyed these morning milkings, but he was worried that it was not right for Jackie to be so intimate with an animal instead of a man”.

Yes, quite. I do love the way in which the concern that a child is involved in a masturbatory session with a cow is treated in the same fashion as, say, hanging out with the wrong kids at school. Obviously, there needs to be some sexual license granted to the author here, but the combination of beastiality and incense in this story turns my stomach. Call me old fashioned, etc…

“Beauty and the Beast” had some choice bits as well. Exhibit A:

“Beauty moaned as Blossom gently took the moistened nipples and began to roll them between her thumb and forefinger like lustrous agates in a bath of scented oil”

Not a simile with a natural feel to it, I think you’ll agree.

Jesus, The Three Little Pigs is in here too. This ought to be good.

“She began with an open-handed spanking of his naked, blubbery hams, slapping the sides of white meat like they were less-than-prime cuts in need of tenderizing”

That’s an actual pig she’s spanking there, by the way. His name is “Hayman”. She just caught him masturbating, and this must have seemed like the right thing to do.

His response: “‘Please’, the chubby little shoat whined. ‘Untie me, I beg of you’”

Shoat?

Well, that’s probably enough for today. There were two copies of this book at Sydney Rd TBG, but that was a week ago and there’s no way they’ll still be there.

Next week, we can look through Rapunzel, Hansel and Gretel, and the delightfully named Goldie and the Three Bare Bachelors. Now, what can that be about?