Oh Dear
October is going to be an internationally flavoured month. There’s a dash of Thai, some Roma!* (NB not deductible), a couple of misplaced agents finding their way back from France via Honkers, and of course the US of A for the remainder fair. It all starts today, and all I need to do is get out of bed.
Get. Up. Trinity. GET. UP.
Which is something something when you’re contemplating a nasty headache, and can’t quite remember whether you told Michael Kroger what you thought of him last night. Who’d have thought he was into champagne? He’s probably worried sick at the moment anyway, what with the bills rolling in, the mortgage to pay, the possibility of cutbacks at Liberal HQ and Malcolm Fraser’s advancing senility. Bring back John Kerr!
Also, my apologies to the Janet Albrechtson look-a-like I met last night. I’ll be in touch about your car.
Speaking of the Election With a Hangover – My Top 10
My experience is that you always look forward to strange things when you’re hungover, so it’s good to make a note of them. It’s almost like turning around REALLY quickly to try and see the back of your head in the mirror. Almost, but not quite. See?
So here’s what I’m looking forward to.
1) Ongoing Sexual Tension b/w Bob Hawke and
Seriously guys, get a fucking room. Every year there’s the same ‘you got it wrong, no you got it wrong’ on-camera stand-off, but you just know that once they’re in-Camera** Hawkey is humming and hawing his way around The Counting Head’s body, crying occasionally but for the most part enjoying it. “Look
This is a tough one. No matter what he says, I’ll love it because he’s hurting and I’m a nasty person with my cross-hairs on the old sourpuss. But I’m pretty certain his view of his record differs significantly from mine, so rather than some crapped out list of the Liberal’s achievements and a non-apology, all I want to hear is “Sorry, bad decade, I’ll call the removalists tomorrow and Jeanette and I are straight back to our bedsit in Telopea”. You just know he’ll be a prick about it though, don’t you?
3) John Faulkner’s 40 Point Font Glasses
Dude, they make thinner frames than that. Have done for a good 50 years or so. Try something lighter or you’ll have horrible neck problems in your autumnal years.
4) Wayne Swan
Someday they’ll write songs about this guy. He’s the Shadow Treasurer with a heart of gold, a tender yet powerful lover who has slept his way to the peak of opposition. He’s 5 foot 2, eyes of blue, a number-crunching, heart-breaking demographer with a lot of love to give. God have mercy on us all.
5) A Bit of Niggle
The Election panel is always a hoot. You’ll have an interviewer (Kezza), number cruncher (The Head That Counts) as your staples, then rotating through a bunch of ex-pollies who happen to be in town that weekend. The ALP member will be crowing and texting Dean Mighell under the desk, and the Lib will be in a state of denial and wondering out loud what might happen if every single person in Eden-Monaro votes for the coalition. There’ll be some name calling, a bit of ‘come-off-it’ and Kerry O’Brien will, without a doubt, make references to elections which no-one remembers.
5.1 – A Suggested Improvement
Why not Dennis Commetti to do the commentary?
Clearly.
Clearly the most charismatic speaker in parliament today, without peer since the retirement of Brian “Hoo-Ha!” Harradine. I predict a flowing tribute to the Tasmanian people, regardless of how they vote, delivered in a monotone.
7)
Seriously, those dudes had it figured out. Can you remember an election which hasn’t featured that song? They’re sitting over there watching the dough roll in every 4 years, having a good old smirk at democracy and cashing in on lucrative election-rock. If I had any musical talent, that’s the market I’d be trying to crack. Maybe a new Smash Hit called “Too Close To Call” or “My Marginal Seat” would take off. No, wait. I’m thinking a soaring duet by John Farnham and Deni Hines called something emotive like “The Flow of Preferences”. A ballad. That’s what’s been missing!
8) Another Shitty Labor Campaign
I always get the feeling that the pollsters sit around trying to come up with ideas, and then get stuck on “It’s Time”. Not much fresh coming out of there for a few years now, although with Big Kim picking the ideas it’s little wonder. I’m certain there’s some simmering resentment at Gough for coming up with that one – ‘all the good ideas are taken’ etc. Kevin 07 is terrible, but at least they got his name right. Well, his first name anyway. What to expect? It’s Time – Again.
9) Refusal to State The Obvious
You see a lot of acceptance speeches in the modern era which are barely restrained vents. Tension is high at election time, and while you’re conceding victory your party is about to drop-kick you off a cliff. And all you’ve got to look forward to is sugar-coated donuts, the couch and “You’ve Got Mail” for the next 3 months.
This time, I want to hear someone say it: “The Australian People got it wrong, and you’re all idiots”.
10) Jeanette Howard’s Voice
Our best chance to hear it is if the Libs lose. It’s a remarkable feat – 11 years banging Johnny into shape and hand-picking the occasional Governor General, and I’ve still got no idea what her voice sounds like. Third party reports are unkind – I have heard her referred to as having a Kevlar Throat. I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds uncomplimentary.
Well, now it really is time to get up. I’m getting on a plane, so no posts for a couple of weeks. I’d like to leave you with a little song I’ve adapted from an old classic. See you all soon, and thanks for coming out!
Sad to say I’m on my way,
Won’t be back for many a day,
Sad to say I’m on my way,
I had to leave a little remaindered book in Chicago-town.
*
** That is brilliant. If I wrote for a living, that segue would be a fortnight off.
Well, I’ll tell you what you can get out of TBG. A sense of fucking achievement, that’s for sure. That, and I can guarantee that your punctuation will improve the more you read, but it’s harder to prove than what I’m doing here, so let’s stay on track ok? OK.
Figure 1. See Below
Most of you will recognise this photo below as a partially obscured shot of our extraordinarily well-stocked children’s book area. Obscuring a clear shot of it is a regular customer, who for legal reasons must have his name, Sam Allan, protected with StrikeThrough.
As you can see by the furrowed brow and intense concentration, Sam is looking for Wally, in the classic children’s book, ‘Where’s Wally?’. Please note, young mothers of Northcote: It was an extremely unusual set of circumstances that led to Sam Allan being permitted a beer in the kids section, and I assure you that it won’t happen again.
Fig 1 – A Race Against Time – for Dignity!
Fig 2. Success!
High-functioning readers of the blog will no doubt be able to surmise this for themselves, but with an eye on the Liberal-voting market, I’ll spell it out: In this picture, he’s found Wally.
“Did you read this? Wally’s actually a pretty lonely guy!”
So the key takeaways here are:
1) Wally can be harder to find than you think.
2) A Sense of Achievement is part of your book purchase price.
