LUCY SKY DIAMONDS

There’s a phenomenon failing to sweep the world at the moment, and it is known as literary speed dating.

You can read an unentertaining review of it here:

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20870446-2862,00.html

The whole idea of this got me thinking – I know the moment someone sat down in front of me with “The Da Vinci Code” I’d be reaching for the dental floss and a mirror. Although, if I was fronted by a girl sporting a copy of Catch-22, I’d be simpering like an idiot and trying to work my phone number into the conversation. Please note that this has never ‘worked’ for me.

So what books will work in this situation? I had someone suggest Flaubert, which I ridiculed to hide an enormous Flaubert-shaped hole in my knowledge. Obviously any Enid Blyton is out, and anything to do with a post-Wermacht Gunter Grass is going to kill the mood. What is the ideal book to take along? Or more importantly, what should you leave at home?

For Him:

The Napoleonic Empire – Geoffrey Ellis

Genre: Academic/ Military

While military history may be a genuine interest of yours, to advertise the fact to a room full of prospective partners is committing what I call ‘burgeoning relationship suicide’ (BRS). In my years in the book trade, I’ve met one woman who was interested in military history, and only as a result of a fixation with Wellington and an unhappy childhood. She was, I believe, unmarried, so perhaps some hope remains.

On a more positive note, reading any history improves you as a person, and many marriages seem to function happily with the hubby tucked away in the library reading about the siege of Stalingrad, or trying to figure out what the fuck Picasso meant with that painting. So it's not the worst, but you're up against it.

Verdict: For potential suitors, this is no good.

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil – John Berendt

Genre: Fiction

This book shows one of the biggest traps in the LSD scene. You’ve got a well written novel that was made into a movie. It’s an entertaining read. So why not take it along?

I’ll tell you why. The movie featured a transsexual showgirl and Kevin Spacey as the gay patron of a murder victim. These thoughts will be subliminally present in your opposite number, and while you’re busily trying to wheedle her number out of her, she’s extrapolating your face into that of an aged, murdering homosexual with a creepy moustache.

Here's the image you're jamming into her mind of how you'll look in 20 years time.

Savage, no?

On top of that, there’s a lingering suspicion that you haven’t even read the book – you’ve rented the movie the night before in an effort to look all intelligent and shit. Try coming back from that over sushi. You’re no chance.

Verdict: A minefield. Stay well away from books which have been made into movies.

The Bible – Jesus

Genre: Spirituality/ New Age

This one could go either way. You could hit the jackpot and end up in bed (in 3 years time) with a super-hot Pentecostal Christian who felt they were best served by attending a LSD function with a pack of heathens rather than having a happy arrangement with a nice young man put into place by their parents.

Ahem.

Or you could end up finding it very hard to talk to anyone.

As H.L. Mencken once said – “We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the same way that we respect that his wife is beautiful and his children intelligent”.

Or something.

Verdict: Rules you out of any short term success and probably means you won't have anyone to drink with afterwards.

Anything from the Fantasy/Sci-Fi Genre

Unless it’s Red Dwarf or Hitchhiker’s Guide, or unless you’re a hell of a salesman, why make life harder for yourself? You’re going to struggle to persuade her that she needs to read a 7 part trilogy about dancing part human-horses struggling against the tyrannical rule of some faceless overlord. There’s never an end in sight with this sort of book, and the character's names are impossible. There's a reason that these types of books are purchased online and appreciated in dank basements.

Plus, chicks hate that shit. Don’t do it.

Verdict: If you need to read this verdict, you're going to do it anyway.

A Cookbook – A Cook.

Genre: Hmmm.

This has been suggested to me a few times as the perfect book to take along. But frankly, I smell bullshit. Anyone who takes along a cook book is after a certain reaction – “OMFG, he can cook, what a catch!”. Trust me – it’s not going to happen.

This is more likely:

Verdict: Embarrassingly obvious. Leave it in the kitchen.

Dilbert - Scott Adams

Genre: Comic/Humour/ Toilet Reading

All this tells people you meet is that you go to the toilet quite a bit and you like to have something to read while you’re there. My advice is don’t do it, but there’s something to be said for being upfront about your bodily functions.

OK. We’re having a sale today and people keep interrupting me, so the rest of this list and HER ideal books will have to wait.

Feel free to leave easily discardable suggestions in the comments section.

The Retail Zoo

Retail is difficult. I’ve never experienced it, but I imagine it’s a lot like being a mother to a large group of thankless children with unending demands.

We had out Christmas staff party this week, and it was a great opportunity to rehash some of the best customers who have found their way into a retail environment. A few of my personal favourites include:

Scene: TBG Northcote

Time: 10pm on the night of the High Vibes festival.

Customer Description: Drunk. Holding a lit cigarette and a full tinnie. Weaving slightly.

I opened the door, and things proceeded thusly.

Me: Sorry mate, we’re closed.

Him: Ah…. I couldn’t just come in and do a shit, could I?

As they say in the kitchen, the first bite is with the eye.

Mind you, there’ve been quite a few memorable people on the other side of the counter. There was the American woman who asked me where I was from. When I replied “Australia”, she came back with “Wow! My cousin’s Scottish! Small world, huh?”.

The richest vein of stories came from my two years spent in a service station. One customer, drunk, attempted to steal a bag of firewood. Unfortunately, he was very unfit and collapsed when he got to the footpath. The police were half an hour arriving, and even then I think it was coincidence, and they took one look at him and decided he wasn’t worth arresting. A low point was struck by the chap who borrowed the key for the male toilets, then once inside, defecated all over the floor. ‘What motivates such a man?’, I thought as I pulled the shovel out of the shed.

I had one surly looking man pay for his petrol with three small children in tow. After giving him his change, he turned to the children and addressed them: “You see? This is where you end up if you don’t study hard at school!”. He gave me a curt nod, and strolled out. I came up with a handful of good retorts which were all too late to deliver, and had to satisfy myself with thoughts of him buried under soiled nappies and phone bills.

Then there was the guy with a T-shirt pulled over his head in a service station who I held to door open for. He robbed me, but he had other problems, and it’s hard to hold it against him. That was the second robbery. The first was much worse in terms of humiliation, although since I don’t mind telling a story against myself, it wasn’t so bad. Here it is.

Scene: Election night, 1999. A Petrol station in Labor heartland. 7.30pm.

As I gazed over an empty forecourt and a bleak political landscape, I started daydreaming about a happy place where the sun shone, the left wing didn’t suck, and my childhood dog, Emma, had never run away. This bubble was burst rather rudely by a wild-eyed redhead who stormed into the shop screaming “I’VE GOT A GRINDER. GIVE ME ALL THE FUCKING MONEY!!! GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!” He raved like a drug addict, and even at first glance he looked dreadfully outdoor, so I complied.

Here's what one looks like:

Now, at this point, I should address the questions which have inevitably popped into your mind. Let’s do it one by one.

1) He was talking about an angle grinder. He had it wrapped up in a tea-towel, and he showed it to me. Here's what one looks like:

"Menace"

2) No, it wasn’t plugged in.

3) No, there wasn’t a long extension cord.

4) At this stage, I didn’t know what he planned to do with the grinder. Something violent and untoward, I supposed.

So. If you’ve read the blog before, you’ll know I didn’t even bother trying to stop him. I opened the till and lay down on the floor, and he took the money.

He did yell creepily at me at one stage “Don’t you look at me!”, which as it turns out is the founding line of one of the best games I’ve never played, but that’s another story.

I should also mention that at this stage in my life, I was emerging from puberty, not in the elegant chrysalis stage that I had envisioned in my angst-ridden mirror, but more in a knock-kneed, big eared kind of way. And it was my ears which really bothered me. People pointed them out, made eclipse jokes, asked what was going on in China YES HAHA VERY FUNNY.

But during this emotion packed 30 seconds or so, the smackhead still had the presence of mind to turn to me and yell “STAY WHERE YOU ARE OR I’LL COME BACK AND GRIND YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF!!”. And that was what really hurt. Getting robbed is one thing, but having your most unappealing feature ridiculed mid-assault was just too much for me.

They caught him in the end. Two nights later, he tried to hold up the same service station with a pair of safety scissors. The attendant (who had normal sized ears) took one look at him and belted him with a screwdriver. I went to the police station the next day to identify him, and in my idiotic way asked if they’d charge him with verbal assault because of his nasty ear remarks. The cop looked at me, looked at my ears and drawled softly “Wouldn’t have thought”.

Purchasing a Book as a Christmas Present.

Buying Christmas presents is a time of particular stress. December is mad enough as it is, what with the late nights, too much caffeine and the like. You know what I mean. You could live without buying stuff for every Tom Dick and Harry you have the misfortune to be related to or, to a lesser extent, have befriended.

Anyway, the most important thing about presents is that the recipient ‘likes it’. What this means is anyone’s guess, and it’s what makes buying presents so bloody stressful. How are you going to know whether Aunt Janice wants low-cal jelly? Will Brother Bob really like a trainset? He is 40 after all, but then there’s his childhood to consider. And Dad said he wanted a novelty apron, but Mum was against it, and Steve will probably get that for him.

"Hi! I got you the top half of my face!"

So what to do?

Regular readers of the blog will have seen this one coming, but THE BEST THING you can get for someone for Christmas is … a remaindered book. Let’s support an argument with facts, for once in my goddamned life.

1) Remaindered books are cheaper – this leaves you with more in the skyrocket to fund some recuperative days in the January sunshine. For which you’ll also need a book, but we’ll get to that in the new year, OK? Patience, petal.

2) Books as a present reflect well on you. I know this is true, because I give everyone books as presents and I frequently hear the line ‘You must read a lot’. This is a long way from the truth, as the dearth of reviews on this blog will attest. Still, who am I to damage my image as a Pupil of the Page? I read the back of a lot of them, and that all adds up, doesn’t it?

3) Judgment. Whenever you give someone a present, the recipient makes two personal judgments. Firstly, she judges you for the quality of the gift you have given her. Then, she judges you at your ability for judging her character. Remaindered books skate past the first point by looking much more expensive than they are – so it looks like you really care about someone, when in reality maybe you don’t care that much. But hey, it doesn’t hurt and next year you might score something pretty expensive yourself as a result. The second point is the tougher of the two. Obviously, if you give someone who is fat a diet book, you’re going to be eating the turkey dressed with frosty glares. But if you buy something that overestimates the intelligence of the recipient, all is well. Here’s how it might work.

You: Hi, you know I hold you in high regard and you once mentioned that you were thinking of learning Italian, so I decided to get you this book on the history of Rome. And a tomato.

Her: Wow! That’s so thoughtful and it looks expensive. By Christ, I feel smart right now!

At this stage, there’s some serious flattery going on. Books on Rome are notoriously boring, and no-one I know has ever finished one. But to be thought worthy of reading one is in itself quite a compliment. And through flattery, you’ve managed to give what will later be referred to as a ‘lovely present’. The tomato is neither here nor there, it’s just one of those things that, how you say, came to me.

The final advantage to buying books is referred to in ‘the trade’ as the “Smoke and Mirrors” advantage. This boils down to the fact that there are some very strange books out there which are not only difficult to read, but to even understand what the hell they’re about is a task for a team of well-educated academics. By the time your gift recipient has worked his way through the inside flap, you’ll be a distant memory until next year. You can recognise these titles because they usually sound like the title of a failed PhD. paper thesis idea. Comparisons of three apparently unrelated things are excellent in this category. Most modern novels will be suitably named for this purpose, although some serious offerings are usually forthcoming from the sociology & culture sections.

December

OK. I hear it. You’ve been checking back here, God knows why, and I haven’t written anything. You’re being a little needy, but it’s December and I’m prepared to forgive it.

Can I just put a shout out to all those TBG fans who are representing us overseas. It’s Christmas time, and you’ll be missed.

So a lot has happened since we last spoke. You’ve been busy, I’m sure, and so have I. I’ve just been so goddamned focused on bring some really, really unreal deals into the store that my shamelessly self-promoting blog has suffered. It’s always the blog that suffers; it and the children.

But. The upside of my radio silence is evidenced beautifully by the shitload of quality remainders which have just arrived. I swear I’m going to sell you something today. Would you like to see a brochure? Sure, take a walk around. Try this one out, it’s a hardback, see what works for you. A guy like you, you look like a hardback guy to me. Test the pages. Appreciate the bevelled edge. You know this author? Sure you do. He once won the Baumgarter-Smitheringale prize – it’s literature’s most perfunctory award – they don’t give it to just anyone. What’s that? A low-GI cookbook? What’s the matter, touch of IBS? Haha, don’t worry, it happens to me too. God, we can really relate! Why, the other day I was so itchy I… anyway, you don’t want to hear about that. But why settle for a Low GI cookbook? Don’t you have a girlfriend? I bet she’d love that book right there about the troubled teenager. Or perhaps this chick-lit special; look, it’s about thirty-something women struggling with their direction in life! It’s so new and fresh you can practically smell it. Oh dear. Yes, it is dusty, my apologies. Say, have you read the Life of Pi? You haven’t?!? Take it – seriously, take it – for $9.95! Hahahaha! You know it’s Christmas – you need a present too. Sure, I can get that hardcore biography of Kruschev down. Yep, the guy with the shoe. He’s a character, I tell you. You know they once threw him out of the UN building with no pants on? It’s all in this great book - $17.95 for you. If I had a couple of hundred of them, I could retire. Perfect for the kids. Or a wobbly table, depending on the kids! Haha! Just kidding, they look plenty bright to me. Have you considered their education? They’re going to want libraries of their own one day – you need to get them started early. Hey, looks like little Jane here wants her very own copy of The Jitterbug Jam! Good on you sweetie. And what about a book on trains for the young chap here? Oh, Lordy, we’ve got some great train-related literature. This one, sure it looks a bit big for the young feller, but if you can tell me a quicker way to learn about the financing of the trans-American railway, I’d love to hear it! Yes, he is having trouble holding it. But they grow up so fast, and suddenly it’s too late to plug those enormous gaps in their knowledge. But that’s no reflection on you as a parent; I wish all the other parents were as relaxed as you about their children’s futures. Look, you take your time. You like books on travel? Want to learn to DJ? Need a quick how-to guide for quilting? Want your heart ripped in two by a harrowing tale of loss? Why not learn about Warren Beatty’s formative years? Some sullen Russian literature? It’s all here, and it’s Christmas. You need anymore help, I’ll be right here. I’ll wrap it all for you when you’re done too.