High Vibes - The Fallout

The Northcote High St festival is like your drunken and occasionally abusive uncle - he's great fun to be around at lunch time, by mid-afternoon you're starting to feel nervous. Early evening sees him warbling loudly about his pet hates, and after that people start backing away from him and refusing eye contact. That's because he's a psychopath with a few drinks in him, and as this metaphor turns the corner and heads straight down Sensible Street, the High Vibes festival is exactly the same.

I saw some things yesterday that made me very proud.

1) Man. Asleep. Tram Tracks. Open Mouth.

In order to survive this vale of tears, there are a few things you need to avoid. Sleeping on tram tracks, regardless of whether you expect a tram in the next few hours or not, is always best avoided. Sleeping on them with your open mouth pressed on to the metal tracks is both dangerous and disgusting. Those things never get cleaned.

2) Man. Church. Wine. Vomit.

I'll leave you to join the dots on this one. If it helps, whatever you're thinking is probably right. A church!! Clearly a testament to the success of our secular society, but it's still a bit 'wtf', surely? On the other hand, and as the man in question remarked, 'Better out than in!' (cue smile with vomit caked teeth showpiece).

3) "I Don't Need To Go Home Officer - I'll Just Nap Here in This Gutter"

You need a solid breakfast under your belt if you plan to negotiate with the police. You definitely don't want to be drunk. It's to your advantage if you're able to stand without swaying, and a definite plus if you're wearing trousers which aren't stained with your own urine. Richard Nixon said that you're only finished when you quit, and you have to admire the persistence of some people in staying in the fight long after the final bell has been rung.

4) "Ha Ha!!!! Fucking Books!!! Ha Ha!!!!"

A common remark of passersby as the evening on the street descended into the fourth circle of hell. And they say alcohol impairs your motor skills! These people had no trouble recognising books for exactly what they are. Full credit, game of two halves, etc.

5) Police Slang

Did you know this - police slang for a lesbian is '3070', which is the Northcote postcode? Unrelated, but all part of the wonderful mileur of the day, see?

6) Deleterious

This doesn't really have anything to do with High Vibes, aside from the obvious damage one does to one's health by drinking heavily on a Sunday night. But it's a great word, and dreadfully underused these days, wouldn't you agree? Take it out for a spin.

_________

I ashamed to say that having watched this spectacle unfold with an air of contemptuous superiority from the safety of the counter, I removed my bum bag and headed out into the wild, wild night. I don't recall a great deal of what happened, although I have a clear recollection of dancing to the Baywatch theme, and receiving a confusing text from the DJ instructing me to 'eat cock'. I sincerely hope it was meant for someone else.