Hi! Ate Us.

So, as mentioned in previous posts, there's a stack of stuff happening with TBG. Also, recent days have seen a lot of rain which impacts on me both businessily and personally (washing, etc). On top of that, there's still more cricket to be dealt with, and it's not getting any easier.

I have also asked my body to deal with a particularly nasty dinner which I purchased tonight at Sofia's on Burke Rd Camberwell. I discovered after sitting down that they had recently re-opened after being forced to shut for 6 months for crimes against food or something. Whatever the set of circumstances were that led them to get into that much trouble, I feel particularly sorry for whoever the complainant was, since I feel pretty shaky, and I'm guessing that they were worse than me. Unless it was Alan Jones, whose name I now acknowledge for the first time in years. That guy is truly a fuckwit. I hope his pasta was worse than mine.

So it looks like I'm going to need a short break from the blogging world. I'm thinking a creative/spiritual redux session with an injection of the comedy festival to assist. Hint: look for stolen jokes when I return.

I think in two weeks when I am well and truly frazzled, I am going to spend the afternoon at Il Solito Posto drinking white wine and eating salmon. I'll take a highly recommended novel and someone else's credit card for company, and watch the suits roll by and think of what might have been.

I'm really looking forward to it.


xo

Sale - Sydney Road

So. We're off to the races again at Sydney Road, and if you're not totally respecting our discounts already, then you're hard to please because they are excellent. However, they just got better in a massive-stock-reduction kind of way.

I missed the Board meeting which dealt with the particulars of this sale, but from what I gather, the marketing department liased with Inventory Control and discussed aspects of stock rotation in particular light of the 80/20 rule. Accounts receivable and payable were conferenced in, minutes were passed along with motions, both good and bad. Such is the passage of time in business. At the same time, I was staring down the barrel of a 12 foot putt to give me 42 stableford points. I won't bore you with the particulars of that story, since I really don't like golf, but let me just say this - it was incredible.

By the time I'd gotten over the excitement, the memo announcing the sale had already been faxed to my golf bag, and I had to return to the office immediately to 'force the issue'. Which I will now do.

The sale is 3 for 2. Buy three books and you get the cheapest one free. I'm almost certain that is how it works, like 99%. Let's learn about this together.

Buy 3 books

1 book is $10

1 book is $20

1 book is $15

Total cost: $45 less your free book ($10) = $35.

So with clever purchasing, you can get up to 33% off! See how easy that was? Why not pool your purchases with your friends? It's social. Buy the kid a book, he'll need to read one day.

Rant Series - Booksellers #1

Right, so there's a lot going on at the moment. We're in full university-stocking mode. Books are, quite seriously, running out the door. And we're having another sale at Sydney Road. I'll deal with that in a separate blog post hereafter, but if you're reading this, you're missing out. If you're reading it in business hours, anyway. And need books urgently, which we all do. If you think you don't, you're not reading enough etc etc.

So I had my day wasted for me in spectacular fashion. A traveling book salesman like myself is liked, but not well liked. It's just one of those things, and there's really no point trying to change it. You can smile, coax, encourage, laugh at bad jokes or offer obscenely good discounts, and still go home unhappy. And chances are that you will, since you're dealing with other members of the book trade who thrive on misery and churlishness.

Some background first: In my alternate life, where I'm not 'groceing' the books, I often call other bookshops, offering them some high quality remainders at offensively reasonable prices. I make appointments, and I show up. I sell the books, ship them to the store, get paid, and move on. I'm punctual, unironed, and polite. It's a living, and you could be stuck in a warehouse in Keilor Park, so you take what you can get, you know?

Some members of the bookselling brotherhood are dissatisfied with their jobs. Why, I don't know. It's nice enough, you stock shelves, you're surrounded by such gorgeous things, etc etc. None of it true, but sadly no-one gets that before they start in a bookstore. You get in, realise it's boring, then struggle to find ways to amuse yourself. You can't leave, because every other job seems like it would be hard work, and it's never so boring that you seriously consider chucking it anyway.

What you do, however, is look for ways to entertain yourself. You might play a spot of solitaire, send back more than your 10% of allotted returns to local publishers, list some books online, or do a stocktake. You'll spend at least half your day either with customers or complaining about them. You may like to invent some problems for yourself, and a minimum of 10% of the working day must be spent telling people how busy you are.

Alternatively, you could invite a remainder dealer to drive an hour and a half to meet you, then tell him that you don't have any room for the books - any books. You can look at a box of samples, shake your head and say 'nononononononono' like an idiot savant, then ask them without a shred of irony when they think they'll be back in town - you'd just love to see them again. Your shelves are bursting, you might say. It's a bad time of year, you offer. Any other time, you can smile with open hands.

That'll burn a solid 10 minutes for you. Or a lazy 4 hours, if you happen to be the remainder dealer.

No matter. Serenity now, etc.

CLUNES

Hi. Again.

So, I'll be doing this:

http://www.clunes.org/booktown/

If you're planning on attending as well, come and say hi. I haven't confirmed it, but I'm pretty sure I've paid top dollar for the worst spot in town.

Apparently it's going to be a festival of the Literati, with author signings, stacks of cheap books and bracing country air.

I'm considering getting into character for this one, so look for an ACTUAL book grocer.

PRAISE BE

Good Friday - for so many reasons. Let's count them off.

1) Christ Murdered Resurrection To Follow Shortly.

In of itself, this isn't the greatest news, but if you're an atheist like me then you'll be just as upset about Goldilocks, The Three Little Pigs and Bill in a China Shop. Cheer up, fundies. Only 2 days to go.

2) Football Returns

And when Christ does make it back, we'll have something to thank him for. Intelligent humans staring blankly a television screens. The use of the word 'hero' to describe someone who can catch and/or run. Did you hear? Richmond won/lost! And The Cats are going forward? No off-field Abletts this week!

I don't mind it as a game, but seriously, there's no need to lose your shit over it.

3) This.



German art. Three parts disturbing, three parts DISTURBING.

4. The Good Friday Telethon

I am looking for a huge performance from Ian Turpie and/or Bert Newton tonight, television station contractual obligations notwithstanding. I'm going to eat salmon and judge others, just like a good Christian.

StoryTime

Hi.

So, here's the news.

storytime

at the book grocer

263 High St Northcote

Ages 0-4

11am-11.30am

Every Friday morning

from 28 March

(first Friday after Easter)

All parents and children welcome

You should seriously come along.

My market researcher tells me that this is the best way to hit the 0-4 market, but I have my doubts. If you are that age, firstly, my apologies for all the swears. I know, it's not clever or funny.

Secondly, would the widdle baby wike a stowy? WOULD HE?!?!?

See you there!

Billy Joel

Exciting times, children. Gather round while I tell you a fantastic story called Goldilocks and the Eight Penguin Returns Pallets.

That’s correct folks – things are always a bit stranger on the remaindered side of life. Even the kids’ fiction is skewif (sp?). But the books are half the price, and you certainly can’t argue with that.

The point of this needless ramble is that of all the Australian publishers, Penguin probably has the best back list of modern classics. Northcote and Sydney Road have received these titles, while a set of events which I could not even begin to go into have delayed the shipment to Kingston. They’ll be there by week’s end, even if I have to drive them up there myself.

[Make point about doing everything for customers, our one true love, etc etc]

So. Here’s the shizzle. We’ve got enough good authors here to do a Billy Joel “We Didn’t Start The Fire – OF BOOKS” style song. And fuck it, I’m going to have a go at it right now. Sing it – in your minds only, please.

Kerouac, On The Road, Alastair Cooke, Letters Home,

Nick Hornby, ‘bout a Boy, War and Peace, Tolstoy,

Jane Austen, Rodney Rude, 100 Years of Solitude,

Plutarch & Livy’s Lives, but not The Catcher in the Rye…

Totally off topic again. Sorry. One verse is going to have to do it, since I can’t remember all the other great books we’ve got. BUT TRUST ME THERE’S LOADS AND LOADS.

All the books in this shipment are in short quantity, so if you fancy some full price literature at half- price…. prices… then get into the store. I ruined that there, didn’t I?

Bored

While reading The Economist as part of my research for this blog, I came across an interesting piece of trivia. The whole ‘crazy US state law’ gag has been done too often, so bear with me for a moment.

In Texas, it’s illegal to buy a dildo. It is legal to buy a gun, but not a dildo.

A couple of things on this before we move swiftly onto matters more tasteful:

1) WTF Texas?

2) Surely both articles could be sold with an appropriate cooling-off period.

And apart from that, I didn’t do much with my weekend, apart from the unmentionable. I do enjoy talking about the weather though, so it’s been a string of red-letter days for me. Unseasonal warmth is my second favourite, right after freakish storms.

So yeah, blogging about the weather. That’ll get ‘em through the door.

Trans-Pacific Relations

So I had an unusual night last night.

After ordering what is usually the worst parma in Melbourne at a pub in Carlton, I sat down to discuss cricket with 5 righteously thinking dudes.

That's correct people. It's what I do on Tuesdays in summer. More fool you, party animals. Look who's having the real fun. Even better - tonight I'm washing my whites. It. Never. Stops.

Anywho, the pub is usually empty. There may be a couple of students around, and some 14 year olds drinking rum and coke in the toilets while practising their rap, but it's been a pretty sedate affair for the last three years.

Last night I walked in and saw three stressed American women wearing ear-pieces and belt-packs. All of them were carrying clipboards. One of them gave me a legal-looking document and two jugs of beer. Another asked me if I could sing. The third one yelled at me to move, as a cameraman pushed past me and into a seething mass of people.

Something's different, I thought intelligently...

And guess who walked in right after that? Why, Gene Simmons, of course! You remember Gene!

Gene Simmons (left)

Here's what he looks like nowadays.

"YOU'VE GOT FOOD BETWEEN YOUR TEETH"

Turns out he's filming a show in Australia about how much he loves his family. It's called "Gene Simmons' Family Jewels", which I think is both a nod to his family and an implied reference to his extensive list of ex-copulates. Classy, no? His family won't understand that, they'll be too overcome by the love he is showing them by making a show about himself. And what better place to show it, than The Clyde Hotel in Carlton?

Me: Ah, it's about Gene's family? Are they here tonight?

Intense Producer: No, they're back home. They're in the USA. They couldn't make it. They stayed home. (chews gum)

Me: So, he doesn't love them THAT much, does he?

Intense Producer: NO! HE DOES!!! HE LOVES THEM VERY VERY MUCH!!! THIS SHOW IS ABOUT THEM!!! HE LOVES THEM!!!

I let her move on. Never look a mad dog in the eye.

Most of the readership here is Australian, if the internet DOES NOT LIE, so this next question is going to be easy. What do ALL Australians do when they're in a pub together on a Tuesday night? THAT'S RIGHT PARTY PEOPLE WE ALWAYS SING THE WALTZING MATILDA!!!

Intense Producer II: OK you guys... Gene's gonna sing, and it would be TOTALLY AWESOME if you could, like, join in and make it, y'know, a real PARTY ATMOSPHERE?!?

Oh no, I thought. He won't, I thought.

He did.

Here's how it went.

Gene Simmons: I gotta sing Waltzing Matilda? Man, I hate that song!

Crowd: ..........

Gene: (sings): There's a track, winding back, to an old-fashioned shack....

Drunk Guy: THAT'S 'THE ROAD TO GUNDAGAI' YOU TOOL!!

OK, so that didn't happen, but it's better than the truth.

He sang it, twice, wrongly and with lacklustre support. I was filmed for 30 seconds drinking a pot of lemonade. I'm guessing the show isn't going to succeed.

Monday Left Me Rambling With The Blues

Well, it's a glorious day to be alive and in Melbourne. I'm suffering a severe case of post-traumatic cricket disorder, and so rewarded myself with a day off. I've spent it ignoring the washing, refusing to consider pressing book matters and steadfastly blanking the hole ripped in the bathroom wall, which I must fix one day.

Frankly though, that's never going to happen. I've no idea who did it, and I resent the idea of having to plaster up the wall and re-install the towel rack for someone else's (probable) drug-fueled stupidity. Who sits on a towel rack, for god's sake? What drug makes you think that you weigh less than 4 kilograms? That is the last Tight and White party I'll be having for a good many years.

At this point, the sensible thing to do would be to move gently onto the subject of home improvement, perhaps making an hysterical reference to Tim Allen's "Tool Time" along the way, before hitting you with the hard sell on our fine range of greatly reduced Taunton woodworking and plastering books, available in all three shops for about $14.95.

But really, a day off is a day off. So here's what I've done. I don't care if you're interested.

1) Eaten a full plate of cold roast lamb and potatoes.
1.1) Accidentally eaten some uncooked asparagus.
2) Consumed an enormous amount of orange juice.
3) Attempted to recover from what is an extremely bad hangover.

I did go out to the warehouse, but when all you can think is 'gee that ceiling's pretty high', then you know your best option is to go home and put the kettle on.

Which I did, then spent 10 minutes trying to work out a good pun name for a media company which utilised the potential of 'mediocre/ media-ochre', if you see what I mean. I then decided that no company would want to be called MediaOchre, and if they were, no one would hire them, and what on earth do I know about media anyway? But on the other hand, maybe they need a fresh perspective. Maybe I could shake up the whole sector. Maybe I'd be the one.... HEY A DOGGY!!!

Hungover and scatty. I'll be better tomorrow.

The Hardest (Working) Man in Hollywood

Hold up. Did the book industry just get a whole lot.... sexier?
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.
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..
...
.....






My mistake. It's Ron Jeremy, and his most excellent fig leaf.


His biography is selling like hotcakes. Here's what it looks like:



I was surprised at how well it's doing, given that TBG is supposed to be a high-end literary warehouse. I had money on the Cambridge University Press stock selling faster than this, given that most of it's 90% off the original RRP.

I guess even the most scientific or literary of tomes can't really compete with Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy's visitations to the nether regions of an assortment of pneumatically endowed porn stars. Or his own views on his success which, to be fair, are punctuated heavily with the words 'luck', 'unbelievable', 'fortunate' and 'ugly', lending the book a much needed air of legitimacy.

$14.95 at all 3 stores.

Forgive the recent spate of blogging, but there's not much else going on in my life at the moment. I'm 4 weeks away from becoming an ex-cricket player, and 8 weeks from becoming a literary match-maker. I am, in short, in limbo.

[segue - in limbo to lost]

[segue - lost to found]

[segue - found to product]




So as you can see, we're selling this most excellent book at the stores at the moment. Seriously, you need to get on board with this one. It's a collection of stupid things which people have found and sent to this guy.

Actually, have I reviewed this before? My pet hate is repeating myself, so i'll err on the side of caution here and pull the ripcord. I'll mention the price though $14.95, and the original is the same.

If I was a more motivated guy, at this point I'd start my own Australian version of this rag and cash in on other people's partly thought out junk.

Right now though, I'm listening to guitar arpeggios and wishing I knew someone who I could receive a calf massage from and it not be at all weird.

For

Literary Speed Dating

OK, so I'm going to do it, finally. Once this bloody never-ending cricket season is finished, I'll get around to organising some sweet, sweet bookstore romance for couples aged either over or under 35.

If you're interested in becoming part of it all, then send an email expressing your interest to info@bookgrocer.com. Your email should take the following form.

"I am interested in Literary Speed Dating at The Book Grocer Northcote".

The spaces usually fill up pretty quickly, from the research I've been doing....

*coughs*

So you should get on board early.

I just saw the advertisement for The New Gladiators on Channel 7. If you're considering whether you'd like to do the LSD thing, I suggest you check it out. There are far, far worse ways to spend an evening.

There'll be an exhaustive vetting process, but this might save some time: please, no dickheads.

A New Voice in Town

You'll be satisfied in strange and unusual ways by what I'm about to tell you. And really, isn't that what this blog is all about? A journey of personal experience? Human growth, but without the hormones?

Anyway, enough rubbish. Where you want to go is to my new updated links section and check out Sir Parmalot. Or just click on my last minute hyperlink back there.

I don't know what his agenda is. I don't know why he's taken it upon himself to review Melbourne's parma scene, or even why he plans to do such a terrible job of it. I've got good money that says three months from now the blog is a vehicle for gripes and personal vendettas, with parmas getting a cursory couple of lines a week.

Whatever. The journey is more important than the destination. And then the destination is clearly more important. Just depends, you see?

Here's a conversation I had the other day:

Charlie: So, have you read the Harry Potter books?

Me: Yes. They're great. The wizard's market is in Diagon Alley! Get it?

Charlie: Yeah. Amazing. I finished the last one yesterday. I didn't enjoy it as much as the others. I think she's gone off.

Me: Wait, didn't you drive back from Canberra yesterday?

Charlie: Yes. I read it on the way.

Me: ....

Charlie: In the car.

Me: What? Who was driving?

Charlie: Me.

Me: And reading?

Charlie: Well, reading on the stereo.

Me: You were listening to the book on CD, or you read it, the normal way.

Charlie: Listened.

Me: That's not reading.

Charlie: Yes it is.

Me: I hate you.


_______________


I don't think that qualifies as reading. Turns out he's 'read' all of them in the same way. Is that cheating, or what?

Physics Something Something

So anyway, I just pulled this book out of a box....



It's called The Physics of the Violin. The cheapest copy I can find of it online is here.

Does anyone really need to know that badly?

Have you ever wondered what the guys from Little Britain were doing before they became famous? Did you consider how they came to be two of the most recognisable faces in the world? Did you ever ponder where both of their jokes came from, and how they've managed to get quite so famous?



$12.95. Or you can pay $35 at Borders. Your choice.

Three Steps

Honestly. It's genius.




Drink the coffee.



Read a book.


Drink a glass of wine.



Historians may well look back on this as the start of the decline of western civilisation. It's decadent, and it's available 7 days a week at the Northcote store.