It's not quite LOLSharks, but it's getting there, isn't it?
This one is far and away my favourite. I don't need to tell you why.
HA HA!! 'YOU GOT SERVED!!'
January 30, 2009
Sharks
Now, I can't remember if I've blogged these before or not, but I can remember they came from Defamer Australia, who clearly rule and make awesome mix CDs.
It's not quite LOLSharks, but it's getting there, isn't it?
This one is far and away my favourite. I don't need to tell you why.
HA HA!! 'YOU GOT SERVED!!'
It's not quite LOLSharks, but it's getting there, isn't it?
This one is far and away my favourite. I don't need to tell you why.
HA HA!! 'YOU GOT SERVED!!'
Saturdaze
Hi. A LITTLE LIGHT HEADED today, which I think is a result of last week's intense heat. Another contributing factor is also the extreme blood loss I suffered last night at the hands of a band of marauding mosquitoes. I think they like me, which is flattering in a completely creepy way. I woke up with a large collection of fiddy cent sized bites all over me, and now I'm scratching like an absent minded smackie.
Since we're plumbing the lows of the high 30s here today, I've decided to take things easy. So far, I have:
1) Been for an abridged and interrupted run. Fitness is failing in this heat, and I also ate two pizzas on my own last night. God, I HATE myself sometimes!
2) Cleaned the shower and the bathroom by emptying one into the other.
3) Written a letter to Victoria Police congratulating them on 'All The Good Work'. By intimating that I know more than I do, I hope to be brought on as an informant, which I gather pays well.
And now I've finished all the colouring in on the Fairfax papers' opinion pages, so it might be time to take an afternoon constitutional.
Suggestions for local Gins and Tonic early this evening are more than welcome. I would prefer a balcony and nothing too fancy - if there's celery or some shit in it I really don't want to know*.
'Over To You!'
* Hendriks and cucumber are ok. I mention this only because I'm a complete tool.
Since we're plumbing the lows of the high 30s here today, I've decided to take things easy. So far, I have:
1) Been for an abridged and interrupted run. Fitness is failing in this heat, and I also ate two pizzas on my own last night. God, I HATE myself sometimes!
2) Cleaned the shower and the bathroom by emptying one into the other.
3) Written a letter to Victoria Police congratulating them on 'All The Good Work'. By intimating that I know more than I do, I hope to be brought on as an informant, which I gather pays well.
And now I've finished all the colouring in on the Fairfax papers' opinion pages, so it might be time to take an afternoon constitutional.
Suggestions for local Gins and Tonic early this evening are more than welcome. I would prefer a balcony and nothing too fancy - if there's celery or some shit in it I really don't want to know*.
'Over To You!'
* Hendriks and cucumber are ok. I mention this only because I'm a complete tool.
January 29, 2009
New Glasses
I'm thinking about buying some new glasses. These are they.
They're going to cost me about $80 all together. I don't know if they're worth it.
This heat is oppressive. It's 6.30am and I am going swimming.
Best, etc.
They're going to cost me about $80 all together. I don't know if they're worth it.
This heat is oppressive. It's 6.30am and I am going swimming.
Best, etc.
January 28, 2009
Recipe
Entertaining breeds nervousness. There's no feeling quite like having 8 people due to show up in 10 minutes, and you realise that you've forgotten to a) buy the lamb b) turn on the oven or c) wear pants.
I'm prepared for tonight, but with my mind turned to all things culinary, I thought it might be time to share with you a recipe which I have devised myself over the past couple of days.
Seared Bookseller
You will need:
1 bookseller, pre-warmed.
1 pair thin pants (I use cotton, but most synthetics will work too)
Underpants or boxer shorts (optional; DO NOT use silk)
1 forklift chair with vinyl cover
Direct sunlight (40-45 degrees Celsius)
1 Urgent Situation Requiring Forklift
Directions:
Move the forklift so that the sun shines directly onto the vinyl seat. Leave to stand for one hour.
Meanwhile, clothe bookseller in underpants and pants and set to work.
When seat is warmed, deploy Urgent Situation Requiring Forklift. An incoming delivery is an ideal scenario.
Quickly insert bookseller into vinyl seat and flash fry for 30 seconds. Ignore screaming - it will not affect the finished product. Hastily remove and inspect searing. You should see a large amount of red/blue flesh in the affected area.
NB. Distraction and surprise at pain will combine to produce best results.
I'm prepared for tonight, but with my mind turned to all things culinary, I thought it might be time to share with you a recipe which I have devised myself over the past couple of days.
Seared Bookseller
You will need:
1 bookseller, pre-warmed.
1 pair thin pants (I use cotton, but most synthetics will work too)
Underpants or boxer shorts (optional; DO NOT use silk)
1 forklift chair with vinyl cover
Direct sunlight (40-45 degrees Celsius)
1 Urgent Situation Requiring Forklift
Directions:
Move the forklift so that the sun shines directly onto the vinyl seat. Leave to stand for one hour.
Meanwhile, clothe bookseller in underpants and pants and set to work.
When seat is warmed, deploy Urgent Situation Requiring Forklift. An incoming delivery is an ideal scenario.
Quickly insert bookseller into vinyl seat and flash fry for 30 seconds. Ignore screaming - it will not affect the finished product. Hastily remove and inspect searing. You should see a large amount of red/blue flesh in the affected area.
NB. Distraction and surprise at pain will combine to produce best results.
January 27, 2009
Light Relief
An harrowing morning in the book trade. It's high speed mental paper-cuts and salt to the wound stuff. Which is why I thought we might take a look at some funny pictures and pretend that the world is, as I have dreamed in the past, 4 parts fairy floss and 3 parts holidays.
This is a famous actor dressed up as a famous character pulling a famous expression which means 'hang on... maybe things aren't all as they seem'. Which is also how I feel looking at the picture. Was this a movie I missed?
This is an illustration of someone about to pick a fight with physics. I respect that enormously.
And finally, this is the fruit of my 'South American Toupee' google search at 2am this morning. I had planned to do a 'Political Leaders of South America: Toupee or not Toupee?' post, but was waylaid looking at the Kirchners and Alvaro Uribe. Then I couldn't remember who I thought had the toupee, and figured that the idea was only good for a blog, which I already had, given the quality shot of the dog in the toupee and its inherent blogability. So I collapsed into a deep sleep in which I forgot to feed the dog (worse still, just before he went camping without saying goodbye AND he forgot his little raincoat) and woke up shaking with guilt and confusion.
God, it's hot.
This is a famous actor dressed up as a famous character pulling a famous expression which means 'hang on... maybe things aren't all as they seem'. Which is also how I feel looking at the picture. Was this a movie I missed?
This is an illustration of someone about to pick a fight with physics. I respect that enormously.
And finally, this is the fruit of my 'South American Toupee' google search at 2am this morning. I had planned to do a 'Political Leaders of South America: Toupee or not Toupee?' post, but was waylaid looking at the Kirchners and Alvaro Uribe. Then I couldn't remember who I thought had the toupee, and figured that the idea was only good for a blog, which I already had, given the quality shot of the dog in the toupee and its inherent blogability. So I collapsed into a deep sleep in which I forgot to feed the dog (worse still, just before he went camping without saying goodbye AND he forgot his little raincoat) and woke up shaking with guilt and confusion.
God, it's hot.
January 26, 2009
Word Test
This is not as boring as the title sounds, but it does, as suggested, involve a word test. So if you don't like words; well, I guess you're not reading this. Or this. Or this. Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk.
So it's a test to see how many of the 100 most common words in the English language you can name within 5 minutes.
'That's easy', I thought, and mentally awarded myself a 98.
Unfortunately, it's a bit harder than I thought, and I set the bar at a very achievable 40%. After that I had another go, which was worse, and my third go was, I think, 15%. By that stage I was all 'shit don't matter' but it actually hurt me.
Here's the link. If you get more than 40, I'm really happy for you but how bout you keep that to yourself?
So it's a test to see how many of the 100 most common words in the English language you can name within 5 minutes.
'That's easy', I thought, and mentally awarded myself a 98.
Unfortunately, it's a bit harder than I thought, and I set the bar at a very achievable 40%. After that I had another go, which was worse, and my third go was, I think, 15%. By that stage I was all 'shit don't matter' but it actually hurt me.
Here's the link. If you get more than 40, I'm really happy for you but how bout you keep that to yourself?
Tuesday
Hello shoppers,
Back after the long weekend into a spiral of cold-calling and telesales. I hope you all had fun. Some things I am excited about include:
1) The confirmed arrival into Melbourne of my sister, and our attendance at a comedy show which has about a 40% chance of including a sledging of our family name. We are taking tomatoes.
2) This sentence: "As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."
3) This book:
4) This cartoon:
5) The Best Google Street View Ever. With thanks to you, baby.
This is also an awesome video, and accurately sums up my coming week in the warehouse. Thank you Samantha!
Back after the long weekend into a spiral of cold-calling and telesales. I hope you all had fun. Some things I am excited about include:
1) The confirmed arrival into Melbourne of my sister, and our attendance at a comedy show which has about a 40% chance of including a sledging of our family name. We are taking tomatoes.
2) This sentence: "As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals."
3) This book:
4) This cartoon:
5) The Best Google Street View Ever. With thanks to you, baby.
This is also an awesome video, and accurately sums up my coming week in the warehouse. Thank you Samantha!
January 25, 2009
This is the ideal time-wasting game for a post-September 11th world. You get the excitement of controlling your own aircraft coupled with the ability to kill parachuting moose. And none of the tedious paperwork that dogs the amateur pilot these days!
Good luck, Squadron.
Also, Zoomdoggle rules pretty hard.
Book stuff will appear in due course. In the meantime, you can play Finnair here.
Good luck, Squadron.
Also, Zoomdoggle rules pretty hard.
Book stuff will appear in due course. In the meantime, you can play Finnair here.
Another
This is worth reading, if you're short on social options and thinking about buying a pet which you can't afford. It's not about pets, but it will take your mind off the $$ situation.
http://craigslisting.tumblr.com/post/71249169/massage-trade
http://craigslisting.tumblr.com/post/71249169/massage-trade
January 24, 2009
January 23, 2009
LRB
An old favourite of mine - the personals column from the LRB. Who are these people? Who cares - I'm in love with every one of them.
If forced to commit, I’d say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.
Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.
Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.
Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.
Your link for the rest is here.
I know you're busy, but it's really worth checking these every month.
Now if you'll excuse me I have a hangover which requires my attention. But before I go, I got you something. Happy Saturday!
If forced to commit, I’d say I feared geese more than ducks. Man, 47. Fears geese more than ducks.
Yesterday I was a disgusting spectacle in end-stage alcoholism with a gambling problem and not a hope in the world. Today I am the author of this magnificent life-altering statement of yearning and desire. You are a woman to 55 with plenty of cash and very little self-respect. When you reply to this advert your life will never be the same again. My name is Bernard. Never call me Bernie.
Not only will this advert win me the woman of my dreams (25, tall, brunette, fun, likes late nights, computer games and Pop Tarts), it also wins me a place at the grown-ups’ table. Errant son, 18, swapping Dad’s Hustler subscription for this crap for the last two years.
Everyone. My life is a mind-numbing cesspit of despair and self-loathing. Just fuck off. Or else write back and we’ll make love. Gentleman, 37.
Your link for the rest is here.
I know you're busy, but it's really worth checking these every month.
Now if you'll excuse me I have a hangover which requires my attention. But before I go, I got you something. Happy Saturday!
Headline
THE Young Liberals are proposing nine months of compulsory national service for all young Australians, to be completed before age 24.
Honestly, what is it with the Young Liberals? Every time I see them in the news, they're calling for something so outrageously right wing that you get the feeling that even Nick Minchin would be blushing over his cornflakes.
This time it's national service. And why not? Who better to prescribe methods of instilling 'work ethic and national pride' in the youth of today than the youth itself. Well, the young liberals anyway. Who, at the age of twenty something, comes up with the goal of providing Australia with a 'low-cost workforce' to counter the GFC? Someone who's taken up residence in an emotional cul-de-sac and has been on the receiving end of too many lectures over a mahogany table.
They could, of course, go off quietly and volunteer somewhere out of earshot. But with their power training wheels tightly screwed on, they're happier pointing the finger at what everyone else should be doing.
Anyway. Put that rubbish, attention seeking behavior out of your mind and move on. I've just spent a very pleasant Friday night reading this man, and I highly recommend you do the same.
Enjoy your weekend. Stocktake Monday WILL IT EVER END?
Honestly, what is it with the Young Liberals? Every time I see them in the news, they're calling for something so outrageously right wing that you get the feeling that even Nick Minchin would be blushing over his cornflakes.
This time it's national service. And why not? Who better to prescribe methods of instilling 'work ethic and national pride' in the youth of today than the youth itself. Well, the young liberals anyway. Who, at the age of twenty something, comes up with the goal of providing Australia with a 'low-cost workforce' to counter the GFC? Someone who's taken up residence in an emotional cul-de-sac and has been on the receiving end of too many lectures over a mahogany table.
They could, of course, go off quietly and volunteer somewhere out of earshot. But with their power training wheels tightly screwed on, they're happier pointing the finger at what everyone else should be doing.
Anyway. Put that rubbish, attention seeking behavior out of your mind and move on. I've just spent a very pleasant Friday night reading this man, and I highly recommend you do the same.
Enjoy your weekend. Stocktake Monday WILL IT EVER END?
January 20, 2009
The Internet is Terrible
Warehouse temperature and blogging are related as previously noted. And it's filthy hot today.
Some great stuff has come my way of late. Which is fortunate, as I have lost the 'c' key off my computer in a book-related incident. CTRL+C is dead to me, and if you think that's a laughing matter then you've the soul of a toad. CTRL+V is a sympathy casualty, and my spelling is going next, I can feel it. There's a base level of frustration every time I use my computer now, and particularly every word with 'c' in it. I feel a bit like that Korean father must have when he came home and found his children playing the computer. They failed to greet him, so he threw both their computers out of the window as punishment. Unfortunately, they fell 14 stories and one of them landed on someone, killing him or her instantly. It's a dreadful story, but the moral is certainly clear.
Anyway, this frustration has been somewhat abated by the discovery of an awesome, yet disgusting blog which the internet tossed up to me last night like the ocean does so many weird creatures. Unfortunately, some of the most horrifying things I've ever seen are on there, and I can't in good faith link to it, since my mother reads this blog.
HI MUM!
Anywho, there were some seriously funny things on there. I wish you knew about it. Here are a few of my favourites.
My new computer will be a Mac. Forgive me posting my own picture on the internet, but everyone deserves some fame.
'Sup'
Awes.
This looks a lot of work.
Now tonight, I am planning to go here after a work dinner. It's expensive and you're generally treated with contempt unless you're beautiful. Also, one of the bartenders looks exactly like Inigo Montoya and YOU NEVER SEE HIS RIGHT HAND. Wait. I have that the wrong way around.
Some great stuff has come my way of late. Which is fortunate, as I have lost the 'c' key off my computer in a book-related incident. CTRL+C is dead to me, and if you think that's a laughing matter then you've the soul of a toad. CTRL+V is a sympathy casualty, and my spelling is going next, I can feel it. There's a base level of frustration every time I use my computer now, and particularly every word with 'c' in it. I feel a bit like that Korean father must have when he came home and found his children playing the computer. They failed to greet him, so he threw both their computers out of the window as punishment. Unfortunately, they fell 14 stories and one of them landed on someone, killing him or her instantly. It's a dreadful story, but the moral is certainly clear.
Anyway, this frustration has been somewhat abated by the discovery of an awesome, yet disgusting blog which the internet tossed up to me last night like the ocean does so many weird creatures. Unfortunately, some of the most horrifying things I've ever seen are on there, and I can't in good faith link to it, since my mother reads this blog.
HI MUM!
Anywho, there were some seriously funny things on there. I wish you knew about it. Here are a few of my favourites.
My new computer will be a Mac. Forgive me posting my own picture on the internet, but everyone deserves some fame.
'Sup'
Awes.
This looks a lot of work.
Now tonight, I am planning to go here after a work dinner. It's expensive and you're generally treated with contempt unless you're beautiful. Also, one of the bartenders looks exactly like Inigo Montoya and YOU NEVER SEE HIS RIGHT HAND. Wait. I have that the wrong way around.
From Craig
A bloke was interviewed this morning for a job in my office. There were a few thoughts early on that this guy might be a bit wierd. These thoughts were confirmed when later on, he was asked a question on team work.
He pondered this for a moment, and replied '"thats a good question...", then paused whilst he took out his wallet and removed 2 sachets of sugar and flicked them across the table at the interviewers.
"I carry these around with me everywhere for the inspirational quotes on the back, and i think they sum up my views on team work pretty well."
And no, he won't be getting a call back.
He pondered this for a moment, and replied '"thats a good question...", then paused whilst he took out his wallet and removed 2 sachets of sugar and flicked them across the table at the interviewers.
"I carry these around with me everywhere for the inspirational quotes on the back, and i think they sum up my views on team work pretty well."
And no, he won't be getting a call back.
January 18, 2009
January 12, 2009
Welcome Back
Hello.
It's the new year, which is excellent. It's also 400 degrees C in the warehouse and that makes for an unpleasant day. What better time to take a lazy kick at the corpse of an unsuccessful writing career than in moments of extreme heat?
And what better way to begin again than with the traditional 'What I did on my holiday' style post?
Unfortunately, I was zonked after Christmas and lay on my living room floor like a puddle, rising briefly only to dismiss the help and gorge myself on Coffin Bay oysters. For those of you who battled your fellow holiday makers in such gorgeous spots as Lorne and Elsewhere, can I recommend staying home next year? It's far more relaxing.
As a dedicated warehouse worker, I had high expectations for the Christmas haul. I'm told that I'm difficult to buy for - I put that down to my naturally ungracious manner - so it's always interesting to see what turns up in the stocking. This year's inventory included:
1 George Foreman Grill - a welcome addition to the kitchen. I plan to cook oysters and oysters alone on it.
1 box packing tape w/ stanley knife - The 'socks and underpants' gift for a warehouse worker. Most appreciated.
1 packet apricot delights - a welcome treat, made all the more special that it was given to me by the family dog. She is so thoughtful.
1 Stackhat with instructions - see below.
Several books - one for use in conjunction with the GFG, and one for recreational reading.
Now, for those of you who have chosen to reproach me for my lack of blog posts over the last couple of months using hurtful words and threats, let me just say this; Christmas can be a grueling time of recreational spending and drinking. I like to socialise, and I don't like my catholic guilt to be in overdrive when I do it. I'll promise to make more of an effort this year if you promise not to be such jerks when I don't get around to it. Deal?
It's the new year, which is excellent. It's also 400 degrees C in the warehouse and that makes for an unpleasant day. What better time to take a lazy kick at the corpse of an unsuccessful writing career than in moments of extreme heat?
And what better way to begin again than with the traditional 'What I did on my holiday' style post?
Unfortunately, I was zonked after Christmas and lay on my living room floor like a puddle, rising briefly only to dismiss the help and gorge myself on Coffin Bay oysters. For those of you who battled your fellow holiday makers in such gorgeous spots as Lorne and Elsewhere, can I recommend staying home next year? It's far more relaxing.
As a dedicated warehouse worker, I had high expectations for the Christmas haul. I'm told that I'm difficult to buy for - I put that down to my naturally ungracious manner - so it's always interesting to see what turns up in the stocking. This year's inventory included:
1 George Foreman Grill - a welcome addition to the kitchen. I plan to cook oysters and oysters alone on it.
1 box packing tape w/ stanley knife - The 'socks and underpants' gift for a warehouse worker. Most appreciated.
1 packet apricot delights - a welcome treat, made all the more special that it was given to me by the family dog. She is so thoughtful.
1 Stackhat with instructions - see below.
Several books - one for use in conjunction with the GFG, and one for recreational reading.
Now, for those of you who have chosen to reproach me for my lack of blog posts over the last couple of months using hurtful words and threats, let me just say this; Christmas can be a grueling time of recreational spending and drinking. I like to socialise, and I don't like my catholic guilt to be in overdrive when I do it. I'll promise to make more of an effort this year if you promise not to be such jerks when I don't get around to it. Deal?
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